Loving Together vs. Living Together

Connecting on a Daily Basis
by Rachel Davis, LMFT

Do you ever feel that your spouse is more like a roommate than a close, loving, and intimate partner? If you answered yes you are among a very high percentage of married couples. I have numerous couples each week ask me what the secret is to maintaining a loving marital relationship. My answer to that is in fact a question. Are you connecting on a daily basis? I do not mean connecting with your children, work, or the Internet. Are you taking the time to emotionally connect with your spouse on a daily basis?

Marriage researchers have found couples that participate in connection rituals have higher marital satisfaction. In fact daily rituals have been linked to lower levels of depression and anxiety. Participating in connection rituals allows you and your spouse to communicate and act in a more open and honest manner. It teaches your spouse what is and is not appreciated in the marriage. Most of all it allows you to connect outside of work, children, and other distractions and focus on each other. Here are some seemingly simple tasks that can take your relationship from living together to having a mutually loving and respectful marital relationship.

1) Daily Talk Time: Schedule five to ten minutes everyday that you and your spouse can talk one on one without distraction. Whether it is early in the morning or after the children have gone to bed, find a regular time to sit down with your spouse and talk. This time is not meant to vent about work or coordinate schedules. This time is devoted to each other. Talk about future vacations, what you want for your birthday, what you appreciate about each other, what you would like to work on in your relationship, and other topics that allow you to "connect" emotionally. If you and your spouse have a difficult time communicating without talking about the children, work etc. buy a book that give you topics to talk about, a daily thought, or asks questions the two of you can answer. The hope is for you and your spouse to devote time to each other, and only each other, everyday.

2) Eat Together: Eating meals regularly can be a positive experience not only for the whole family, but for the couple as well. Find time once a day to sit down at the table and eat together. If you don't have children this can count for your daily talk time. With children, this time can become a ritual to teach and build family communication.

3) Daily Goodbyes and Greetings: How do you and your spouse say goodbye? How do you greet each other when someone gets home? Many couples yell a quick goodbye or are satisfied with a small kiss on the cheek. Take the time to make goodbyes and greetings more meaningful. Look each other in the eyes, hug and/or kiss the other person and ask a connecting question. For example: When will you be home? How was your day? What would you like to do together this afternoon/evening? These are common questions, but are easily ignored when the spouse inquiring isn't engaged in the answer. Take the time to ask, answer, and listen so your spouse knows you care. Talk to your spouse about how you would like to change your greetings and goodbyes and make an effort to make it more meaningful.

4) Weekly to bi-monthly dates: While this seems a simple task many couples have difficulty going on dates. Whether it is the cost of the date, or problems finding babysitters I often hear couples give excuses for why dates are simply out of the question. Some couples do not see the need for these regular dates. When a couple has children often their identity changes from a "couple" to "mom and dad." Several empty nesters I work with complain they do not know how to be a couple because their children are gone. Every marital relationship needs to have an identity as a couple, even if you have children!!! Regular date nights allow you to explore and find ways to create and maintain this couple identity. It does not need to be elaborate, but find a time at least bi-monthly for a date night.

Talk to your spouse about these techniques, make some goals, and get to work! Hopefully as you and your spouse start connecting emotionally on a daily basis you will see your relationship strengthen and your appreciation for each other grow.

Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child

Self and Relationship Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW, Owner and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, shares how you can become your child’s “emotion coach” and help her develop emotional health on KSL TV's Studio 5.

Watch the TV segment online HERE

As a parent, I find it’s often easier to focus on my children’s physical and external needs (food, shelter, clothing, grooming, education, relationships) than on their emotional needs. As a therapist I understand the crucial role that emotions play in our lives, but when I was a new mom and my own children expressed intense emotions, it was challenging to help them work through it. I tried hard not to shame or to dismiss their emotions, but I also didn’t want their intense emotion to rule my life…or theirs. When I came across the work of Dr. John Gottman and his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child several years ago I remember thinking, “This fits with what I intuitively knew about parenting and it describes the parent I want to be!” It provided a framework to help me more effectively help my children understand and express emotions in healthy and productive ways.

Why Emotional Intelligence Matters

According to Dr. John Gottman’s research emotionally healthy, emotionally intelligent children are better able to regulate their emotions, calm their heart rate faster after being emotionally upset, had fewer infections, are better at focusing attention, have healthier peer relationships, and perform better academically. The best way to help you children achieve emotional health is to adopt an “emotion coaching” parenting style.

Dr. Gottman’s 5 Steps to Emotion Coaching:

1. Be aware of your child’s emotions

2. View emotional expression as opportunity for teaching and intimacy

3. Listen, empathize, and validate your child’s feelings

4. Label emotions in words your child understands

5. Help your child come up with solution or way to manage emotions

Recommended Parenting Books:

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, PhD & Joan Declaire

Parenting From The Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell
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Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women’s mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, & classes. Visit HERE for more relationship advice.

Join the discussion by posting comments below (your email will be kept private). I’d love to know your favorite parenting books. What do you do to raise emotionally healthy kids?

What John Wayne Left Out: Helping Men Get What They Want In Marriage

By Todd Dunn, PhD

Generations of American men have learned from “The Duke” that in order to beat the bad guy and rescue the damsel in distress, you have to be tough, brave and work hard. That’s all fine and dandy. Most men don’t have a problem with those things. We can work hard, act tough and sweep a woman off her feet. What most of us struggle with, however, is what to do next. Unfortunately, this is where John Wayne’s movies end. John Wayne doesn’t show us how to be happily married or provide a stable livelihood. We never saw John Wayne struggle with marital difficulties, much less manage a 30-year fixed mortgage, career changes, fatherhood, church service, etc. I guess those plot lines don’t make for good westerns.

With June being National Men’s Health Month, I want to focus on improving men’s emotional health by filling in one of the gaps left by John Wayne. Specifically, I’d like to address what men want in their marriage and give three suggestions on how we can attain it.

What men want in relationships is to love and be loved. Research shows men are happiest and healthiest when in a loving relationship. In fact, men in loving relationships live longer and are less likely to experience heart disease, stroke, depression, anxiety or chronic pain than men not in loving relationships.

I doubt if there are any surprises here. After all, John Wayne risked arm and leg to win the affection of the woman he loved. What men struggle with is how to maintain a loving relationship once it’s started. This is where manly toughness ceases to help and instead hinders. Listed below are a few suggestions to help men get what they want out of their marriages.

1. It’s Not All about Sex

Our culture teaches men to express emotional needs physically. Boys are often teased when they attempt to say how they feel, especially when they convey a sense of vulnerability (e.g., fear, sadness or distress). On the other hand, boys are praised for acting out their aggression on a football field or holding in their emotions through statements such as, “Way to suck it up!” or “You are tough!”

When married, men are naturally inclined to use sex as a means to feel close and express love. I often hear men say to their spouse, “If you really cared about me, you would want to meet my needs.” My suggestion to men is based on the belief that love and closeness are built upon open and honest expression of emotion, especially those emotions that leave you feeling vulnerable. I know! What if you are not feeling anything? If that’s the case, then say that. Talk about how you want to feel closer to your spouse and the trouble you have expressing your emotions. Try it. On your next free evening, sit down together and open up without an expectation for sex. It may surprise you how good it feels.

2) No More Mind Games

Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind. Did you know your face can produce over 20,000 expressions? These thousands of facial expressions can then coincide or contradict the many subtle messages you send through your body language. How in the world, then, can your spouse know what you are thinking by just looking at you?

To avoid all the confusion, I recommend you share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. As you do, remember to avoid saying “you”, as it can sound like you are blaming your spouse for how you feel. Instead, say something like, “I feel _____ when _____ because _____.” Saying “I” helps you take responsibility for what you think and feel. Again, you will be surprised by how good it feels to share your internal experiences and not have to wait for others to guess it.

3) Praise Your Spouse

Research finds that most men only have one close friend, their spouse. As a result, most of our emotional needs are placed upon our marriage. Also, men are exposed to countless messages from the media telling them their spouses are supposed to be passionate, sexual and emotionally fulfilling. Taken together, men are sometimes too quick to blame their spouse for any unhappiness.

I recommend making a conscious effort to praise your spouse. Tell her how lovely she is; compliment her hair or outfit; mention how much you appreciate everything she does for you. I suspect that once you start looking for things to compliment, you’ll be surprised by how many things you like about your spouse.

The take home message here is that your spouse isn’t perfect. Trust me, she knows that already. But, neither are you. You both are trying the best you can with what you have. It’s just that you will be a much happier husband if you focus on what you have, rather than what you don’t have. After all, happiness often isn’t found through focusing on your self. It most often comes from the sustained emotional investment in other people.

Focus on becoming a better person and partner and ask your spouse for help with this…

Wasatch is offering FREE Men's Mental Health Screenings the week of June 14-18 by appointment. Call (801) 944-4555 to schedule your screening, or to get help for the man you love!

Dr. Todd Dunn is a Licensed Psychologist at Wasatch Family Therapy specializing in men's mental health and relationships. To schedule a session with Dr. Dunn call 801.944.4555 or visit wasatchfamilytherapy.com.

Finding Strength Through Difficult Times: Divorce

By Julie Hanks, LCSW

Watch Studio 5 TV Segment HERE

Divorce is a time of crisis: "a dangerous opportunity". It is an opportunity to find out that you're stronger than you think you are. Though individual circumstances vary greatly from one divorce situation to another, you have a choice in how you respond to divorce. As with all difficult and painful life transitions, this familiar adage applies to divorce "You can become bitter or you can become better."
Finding Strength Through A Divorce:

1-RedefineGoing through a divorce requires redefinition of yourself, your family, your relationships, your life. It's a time for honest self-reflection: a time to look inside of yourself and shift your views to accommodate the many life changes you're going through.

Ask yourself:
Who am I without the marriage and the role of "wife"?
What were my contributions to the demise of the marriage?
What can I learn from this experience that will make me a stronger person?

2-Refocus

Divorce is a time to take inventory of what matters most to you. If you're children have become less of a priority during the stress of the divorce process, recommit to investing more in your relationship with them. If you've given up a hobby or interest during your marriage, pick it up again. If spirituality is important to you, recommit to investing in your connection with God.

Ask yourself:
What aspects of life are most important to me?
What areas of life do I want to focus on now?
Am I investing my time and energy into who and what I value most?

3-Redesign

The end of a relationship that one or both of you didn't want will free up energy to invest in other parts of your life. Though it's scary to explore the uncharted territory of life as a single person, try actively taking risks to get out or your comfort zone. A former therapy client decided to go back to school and get her MBA after she divorced, a dream that she'd put on hold when she married.

Ask yourself:
Who do I want to become?
What am I most passionate about?
What are some activities that will get me out of my comfort zone and expose me to new people and experiences?

Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women's mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, classes. Visit www.juliehanks.com for more inspiration on how to let your best self shine!

If you need help healing from divorce contact the professionals at Wasatch Family Therapy (801) 944-4555 for information on children, teen & adult counseling services.

Managing Sibling Rivalry

By Clair Mellenthin, LCSW

It is human nature to feel competitive and envious toward others. A moderate spirit of competition is a positive and productive attribute in school and in business. Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up in families. The competition between siblings starts when the second child is born. Unfortunately, many parents ignore it and some even make the situation worse.

When occasional fighting becomes a constant series of arguments and fights, it must be dealt with to avoid years of discord and even potential danger. Here are some tips that will help you lessen your frustration over argumentative brothers and sisters and help them learn to get along better:

• Do your best to offer each of your children equal amounts of praise and attention. This is true if they are competing for your attention or if they are participating in a school or sports activity.

• Encourage your children to participate in activities that they truly enjoy. Don’t expect them to always join activities that they must do together or where they will be competing against each other.

• Children sometimes perceive that their parents favor one child over the others. While some parents do prefer one child to the others, it is usually not a conscious choice. If your child tells you that you favor his or her sibling, pay attention to your behavior; maybe there is some truth to it. However, if you know you are being fair or if there is a valid reason for treating one child differently, stand firm. Sometimes children use the “favorite child” complaint as a way to make you feel guilty and give them what they want.

• Sometimes one child is more cooperative or better behaved than another. It’s normal to compare siblings, but it’s generally better not to talk about it. Comparing two kids doesn’t help improve their behavior; instead, it intensifies the sense of envy and jealousy. A more constructive strategy is to limit your comments to the problem behavior. Always avoid telling one child that his or her sibling does something better.

• Make it a rule that family members may become involved in incidents between siblings only if they actually saw what happened. This keeps people from being manipulated.

• Realize that younger children can be the aggressors. Don’t automatically rush to their defense.

• If two kids are fighting over a toy, take it away. This discourages them from arguing over who can play with what.

• When two kids are fighting, make them share a chair and look at each other in a mirror. With all the goofy faces they make in the mirror the disagreement is soon forgotten and they are laughing like best friends.

• If the kids continue the fight after a few minutes in the chair, assign them a chore to do. The excess energy they are directing toward each other is soon put to better use setting the table or picking up the toys.

• Use the Active Listening technique to allow siblings to express their feelings. When kids fight, parents often try to talk children out of their feelings by saying things like “Stop arguing with Tony, Sarah. You know you love your brother.” Instead, you could acknowledge the child’s feelings by saying, “Sounds like you’re pretty upset with Tony.” You might be surprised to see that this defuses the emotion and enables Tony to move on to something else.

• When you give things to children, base your choices on their individual needs and interests. If you try to avoid arguments by giving equal gifts to each child, they will inevitably find something about them that is unfair.

• When your children are in an argument, avoid taking sides. If you can, encourage them to work out their differences. It is almost impossible to try to determine who started a fight. Even if you know who started the argument, taking sides only makes things worse. If your children learn that you will not enter their minor disagreements, they will have to learn to settle things between themselves.

• Take a parent education instructor course. As you educate yourself about parenting, you will change some of your attitudes toward your children and learn new ways to interact with them. You can have the kind of family you want if you are willing to work at it, make some changes in your own behavior, and be patient for things to improve.

You may think that rivalry will stop magically if only you learn to do the right thing. However, learning new behaviors takes a lot of time and persistence.

It is important to address the issues of sibling rivalry when children are young, because it can intensify and persist as children become adults. It is important not to give up when you feel frustrated. Things may even seem like they are worse before they start to improve. Because of your efforts and persistence, your children will learn how to get along better. That will prepare them to have productive relationships in the future. As with all hopes and dreams of parents, helping to create healthy, happy, children and future adults is the number one priority. Teaching children these skills now will go a long way in this journey.