Loving Together vs. Living Together

Connecting on a Daily Basis
by Rachel Davis, LMFT

Do you ever feel that your spouse is more like a roommate than a close, loving, and intimate partner? If you answered yes you are among a very high percentage of married couples. I have numerous couples each week ask me what the secret is to maintaining a loving marital relationship. My answer to that is in fact a question. Are you connecting on a daily basis? I do not mean connecting with your children, work, or the Internet. Are you taking the time to emotionally connect with your spouse on a daily basis?

Marriage researchers have found couples that participate in connection rituals have higher marital satisfaction. In fact daily rituals have been linked to lower levels of depression and anxiety. Participating in connection rituals allows you and your spouse to communicate and act in a more open and honest manner. It teaches your spouse what is and is not appreciated in the marriage. Most of all it allows you to connect outside of work, children, and other distractions and focus on each other. Here are some seemingly simple tasks that can take your relationship from living together to having a mutually loving and respectful marital relationship.

1) Daily Talk Time: Schedule five to ten minutes everyday that you and your spouse can talk one on one without distraction. Whether it is early in the morning or after the children have gone to bed, find a regular time to sit down with your spouse and talk. This time is not meant to vent about work or coordinate schedules. This time is devoted to each other. Talk about future vacations, what you want for your birthday, what you appreciate about each other, what you would like to work on in your relationship, and other topics that allow you to "connect" emotionally. If you and your spouse have a difficult time communicating without talking about the children, work etc. buy a book that give you topics to talk about, a daily thought, or asks questions the two of you can answer. The hope is for you and your spouse to devote time to each other, and only each other, everyday.

2) Eat Together: Eating meals regularly can be a positive experience not only for the whole family, but for the couple as well. Find time once a day to sit down at the table and eat together. If you don't have children this can count for your daily talk time. With children, this time can become a ritual to teach and build family communication.

3) Daily Goodbyes and Greetings: How do you and your spouse say goodbye? How do you greet each other when someone gets home? Many couples yell a quick goodbye or are satisfied with a small kiss on the cheek. Take the time to make goodbyes and greetings more meaningful. Look each other in the eyes, hug and/or kiss the other person and ask a connecting question. For example: When will you be home? How was your day? What would you like to do together this afternoon/evening? These are common questions, but are easily ignored when the spouse inquiring isn't engaged in the answer. Take the time to ask, answer, and listen so your spouse knows you care. Talk to your spouse about how you would like to change your greetings and goodbyes and make an effort to make it more meaningful.

4) Weekly to bi-monthly dates: While this seems a simple task many couples have difficulty going on dates. Whether it is the cost of the date, or problems finding babysitters I often hear couples give excuses for why dates are simply out of the question. Some couples do not see the need for these regular dates. When a couple has children often their identity changes from a "couple" to "mom and dad." Several empty nesters I work with complain they do not know how to be a couple because their children are gone. Every marital relationship needs to have an identity as a couple, even if you have children!!! Regular date nights allow you to explore and find ways to create and maintain this couple identity. It does not need to be elaborate, but find a time at least bi-monthly for a date night.

Talk to your spouse about these techniques, make some goals, and get to work! Hopefully as you and your spouse start connecting emotionally on a daily basis you will see your relationship strengthen and your appreciation for each other grow.

What John Wayne Left Out: Helping Men Get What They Want In Marriage

By Todd Dunn, PhD

Generations of American men have learned from “The Duke” that in order to beat the bad guy and rescue the damsel in distress, you have to be tough, brave and work hard. That’s all fine and dandy. Most men don’t have a problem with those things. We can work hard, act tough and sweep a woman off her feet. What most of us struggle with, however, is what to do next. Unfortunately, this is where John Wayne’s movies end. John Wayne doesn’t show us how to be happily married or provide a stable livelihood. We never saw John Wayne struggle with marital difficulties, much less manage a 30-year fixed mortgage, career changes, fatherhood, church service, etc. I guess those plot lines don’t make for good westerns.

With June being National Men’s Health Month, I want to focus on improving men’s emotional health by filling in one of the gaps left by John Wayne. Specifically, I’d like to address what men want in their marriage and give three suggestions on how we can attain it.

What men want in relationships is to love and be loved. Research shows men are happiest and healthiest when in a loving relationship. In fact, men in loving relationships live longer and are less likely to experience heart disease, stroke, depression, anxiety or chronic pain than men not in loving relationships.

I doubt if there are any surprises here. After all, John Wayne risked arm and leg to win the affection of the woman he loved. What men struggle with is how to maintain a loving relationship once it’s started. This is where manly toughness ceases to help and instead hinders. Listed below are a few suggestions to help men get what they want out of their marriages.

1. It’s Not All about Sex

Our culture teaches men to express emotional needs physically. Boys are often teased when they attempt to say how they feel, especially when they convey a sense of vulnerability (e.g., fear, sadness or distress). On the other hand, boys are praised for acting out their aggression on a football field or holding in their emotions through statements such as, “Way to suck it up!” or “You are tough!”

When married, men are naturally inclined to use sex as a means to feel close and express love. I often hear men say to their spouse, “If you really cared about me, you would want to meet my needs.” My suggestion to men is based on the belief that love and closeness are built upon open and honest expression of emotion, especially those emotions that leave you feeling vulnerable. I know! What if you are not feeling anything? If that’s the case, then say that. Talk about how you want to feel closer to your spouse and the trouble you have expressing your emotions. Try it. On your next free evening, sit down together and open up without an expectation for sex. It may surprise you how good it feels.

2) No More Mind Games

Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind. Did you know your face can produce over 20,000 expressions? These thousands of facial expressions can then coincide or contradict the many subtle messages you send through your body language. How in the world, then, can your spouse know what you are thinking by just looking at you?

To avoid all the confusion, I recommend you share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. As you do, remember to avoid saying “you”, as it can sound like you are blaming your spouse for how you feel. Instead, say something like, “I feel _____ when _____ because _____.” Saying “I” helps you take responsibility for what you think and feel. Again, you will be surprised by how good it feels to share your internal experiences and not have to wait for others to guess it.

3) Praise Your Spouse

Research finds that most men only have one close friend, their spouse. As a result, most of our emotional needs are placed upon our marriage. Also, men are exposed to countless messages from the media telling them their spouses are supposed to be passionate, sexual and emotionally fulfilling. Taken together, men are sometimes too quick to blame their spouse for any unhappiness.

I recommend making a conscious effort to praise your spouse. Tell her how lovely she is; compliment her hair or outfit; mention how much you appreciate everything she does for you. I suspect that once you start looking for things to compliment, you’ll be surprised by how many things you like about your spouse.

The take home message here is that your spouse isn’t perfect. Trust me, she knows that already. But, neither are you. You both are trying the best you can with what you have. It’s just that you will be a much happier husband if you focus on what you have, rather than what you don’t have. After all, happiness often isn’t found through focusing on your self. It most often comes from the sustained emotional investment in other people.

Focus on becoming a better person and partner and ask your spouse for help with this…

Wasatch is offering FREE Men's Mental Health Screenings the week of June 14-18 by appointment. Call (801) 944-4555 to schedule your screening, or to get help for the man you love!

Dr. Todd Dunn is a Licensed Psychologist at Wasatch Family Therapy specializing in men's mental health and relationships. To schedule a session with Dr. Dunn call 801.944.4555 or visit wasatchfamilytherapy.com.