Man vs. Holiday

By Todd W. Dunn, PhD

As Christmas time approaches, I am reminded of a man that has become a symbol of the holidays. Not only does he teach millions the true meaning of Christmas every year, but he has won our hearts through his relentless crusade for the family. No, he’s not perfect, alas none of us are, but this man stands out as a bastion of light in a world that is forgetting the value of an honest day’s work, family dinners and cutting down your own Christmas tree. Of course, I’m talking about Clark Griswold, from the holiday classic National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

Perhaps, Clark Griswold is not the man you were thinking of, but, joking aside, I do think he provides an example to men of how we can make the most of the holidays. In fact, if we men take to heart the three tips presented below, I’d wager that the holidays become less of an endurance test, where we take on the persona of Bear Grylls’ to survive scary run ins with in-laws, extended family, road-trips with the kids, Christmas carols, garlands, etc., and more about rejuvenation, reconnection and celebrating what you value most.

1) Build Closeness

As Christmas day approached, Clark Griswold seemed to isolate himself more and more from his family. He disappeared into his work and projects that lasted for hours, like stapling thousands of Christmas lights to his house. As a result, he lost touch with his support group and felt like he had to manage his difficulties alone.

I’m not saying we should stop working or pursuing important projects (I say important because some projects are, let’s be honest, glorified excuses to get out of the house.). I’m saying we should stay focused on what we really need, which is to feel useful, cared for and connected. These needs are best met by building relationships with significant others, not accomplishing impressive feats alone. With Clark Griswold, no one else really cared about the crazy Christmas decorations anyway.

So, make time in your hectic holiday schedule to stay connected. You may invite your significant other or kids to join you on a project, ask your partner if there is something you can help with and do together, or skip one Christmas party to make sure you keep date night. Remember, the focus should be on relationships, not outcomes.

2) Share Expectations

Clark Griswold was bound and determined to have the best Christmas ever. He drug his children out to the wilderness to find a “real” Christmas tree, bought a new swimming pool to surprise his family and used up the city’s electricity when covering his house in lights, all in the hopes of providing his family with a extraordinary holiday experience. The problem was that no one else knew what he wanted, so he was continually let down and disappointed.

Believe it or not, you also have holiday expectations. What are they? Given your current circumstances, what would your ideal Christmas holiday look like? Now, instead of waiting for others to read your mind, share these expectations. It may also be a good idea to ask what other’s expectations are, so you can work together to find common ground. The reciprocal sharing and asking for what you need will build unity and increase the likelihood that you’ll actually get your expectations met. Who knows, maybe you can trade three hours at the mall this Saturday, shopping for relatives you don’t even know, for an activity you actually enjoy.

3) Take a Break

While holidays provide a great deal of joy, they are also often fraught with gargantuan to-do-lists and increased stress. Clark Griswold never seemed to have down time, where he wasn’t preoccupied with some activity. You may likewise be determined to create a magical holiday experience for your family. Or, you may find yourself recruited by a well-meaning spouse to help spread holiday cheer. Whatever the case, remember to regularly take time to care for yourself. A relaxing bath, morning jog or football game with your feet up may be just what you need to feel recharged. Of course, you may want to combine these three tips by letting your spouse know ahead of time (share expectations) and/or invite your significant other to join you (build closeness).

The take home here is that the holidays are what you make them. If you are mentally, spiritually and physically well, you are much more likely to take part in the spirit of the holidays and help those around you do the same.

What John Wayne Left Out: Helping Men Get What They Want In Marriage

By Todd Dunn, PhD

Generations of American men have learned from “The Duke” that in order to beat the bad guy and rescue the damsel in distress, you have to be tough, brave and work hard. That’s all fine and dandy. Most men don’t have a problem with those things. We can work hard, act tough and sweep a woman off her feet. What most of us struggle with, however, is what to do next. Unfortunately, this is where John Wayne’s movies end. John Wayne doesn’t show us how to be happily married or provide a stable livelihood. We never saw John Wayne struggle with marital difficulties, much less manage a 30-year fixed mortgage, career changes, fatherhood, church service, etc. I guess those plot lines don’t make for good westerns.

With June being National Men’s Health Month, I want to focus on improving men’s emotional health by filling in one of the gaps left by John Wayne. Specifically, I’d like to address what men want in their marriage and give three suggestions on how we can attain it.

What men want in relationships is to love and be loved. Research shows men are happiest and healthiest when in a loving relationship. In fact, men in loving relationships live longer and are less likely to experience heart disease, stroke, depression, anxiety or chronic pain than men not in loving relationships.

I doubt if there are any surprises here. After all, John Wayne risked arm and leg to win the affection of the woman he loved. What men struggle with is how to maintain a loving relationship once it’s started. This is where manly toughness ceases to help and instead hinders. Listed below are a few suggestions to help men get what they want out of their marriages.

1. It’s Not All about Sex

Our culture teaches men to express emotional needs physically. Boys are often teased when they attempt to say how they feel, especially when they convey a sense of vulnerability (e.g., fear, sadness or distress). On the other hand, boys are praised for acting out their aggression on a football field or holding in their emotions through statements such as, “Way to suck it up!” or “You are tough!”

When married, men are naturally inclined to use sex as a means to feel close and express love. I often hear men say to their spouse, “If you really cared about me, you would want to meet my needs.” My suggestion to men is based on the belief that love and closeness are built upon open and honest expression of emotion, especially those emotions that leave you feeling vulnerable. I know! What if you are not feeling anything? If that’s the case, then say that. Talk about how you want to feel closer to your spouse and the trouble you have expressing your emotions. Try it. On your next free evening, sit down together and open up without an expectation for sex. It may surprise you how good it feels.

2) No More Mind Games

Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind. Did you know your face can produce over 20,000 expressions? These thousands of facial expressions can then coincide or contradict the many subtle messages you send through your body language. How in the world, then, can your spouse know what you are thinking by just looking at you?

To avoid all the confusion, I recommend you share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. As you do, remember to avoid saying “you”, as it can sound like you are blaming your spouse for how you feel. Instead, say something like, “I feel _____ when _____ because _____.” Saying “I” helps you take responsibility for what you think and feel. Again, you will be surprised by how good it feels to share your internal experiences and not have to wait for others to guess it.

3) Praise Your Spouse

Research finds that most men only have one close friend, their spouse. As a result, most of our emotional needs are placed upon our marriage. Also, men are exposed to countless messages from the media telling them their spouses are supposed to be passionate, sexual and emotionally fulfilling. Taken together, men are sometimes too quick to blame their spouse for any unhappiness.

I recommend making a conscious effort to praise your spouse. Tell her how lovely she is; compliment her hair or outfit; mention how much you appreciate everything she does for you. I suspect that once you start looking for things to compliment, you’ll be surprised by how many things you like about your spouse.

The take home message here is that your spouse isn’t perfect. Trust me, she knows that already. But, neither are you. You both are trying the best you can with what you have. It’s just that you will be a much happier husband if you focus on what you have, rather than what you don’t have. After all, happiness often isn’t found through focusing on your self. It most often comes from the sustained emotional investment in other people.

Focus on becoming a better person and partner and ask your spouse for help with this…

Wasatch is offering FREE Men's Mental Health Screenings the week of June 14-18 by appointment. Call (801) 944-4555 to schedule your screening, or to get help for the man you love!

Dr. Todd Dunn is a Licensed Psychologist at Wasatch Family Therapy specializing in men's mental health and relationships. To schedule a session with Dr. Dunn call 801.944.4555 or visit wasatchfamilytherapy.com.

Finding Strength Through Difficult Times: Divorce

By Julie Hanks, LCSW

Watch Studio 5 TV Segment HERE

Divorce is a time of crisis: "a dangerous opportunity". It is an opportunity to find out that you're stronger than you think you are. Though individual circumstances vary greatly from one divorce situation to another, you have a choice in how you respond to divorce. As with all difficult and painful life transitions, this familiar adage applies to divorce "You can become bitter or you can become better."
Finding Strength Through A Divorce:

1-RedefineGoing through a divorce requires redefinition of yourself, your family, your relationships, your life. It's a time for honest self-reflection: a time to look inside of yourself and shift your views to accommodate the many life changes you're going through.

Ask yourself:
Who am I without the marriage and the role of "wife"?
What were my contributions to the demise of the marriage?
What can I learn from this experience that will make me a stronger person?

2-Refocus

Divorce is a time to take inventory of what matters most to you. If you're children have become less of a priority during the stress of the divorce process, recommit to investing more in your relationship with them. If you've given up a hobby or interest during your marriage, pick it up again. If spirituality is important to you, recommit to investing in your connection with God.

Ask yourself:
What aspects of life are most important to me?
What areas of life do I want to focus on now?
Am I investing my time and energy into who and what I value most?

3-Redesign

The end of a relationship that one or both of you didn't want will free up energy to invest in other parts of your life. Though it's scary to explore the uncharted territory of life as a single person, try actively taking risks to get out or your comfort zone. A former therapy client decided to go back to school and get her MBA after she divorced, a dream that she'd put on hold when she married.

Ask yourself:
Who do I want to become?
What am I most passionate about?
What are some activities that will get me out of my comfort zone and expose me to new people and experiences?

Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women's mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, classes. Visit www.juliehanks.com for more inspiration on how to let your best self shine!

If you need help healing from divorce contact the professionals at Wasatch Family Therapy (801) 944-4555 for information on children, teen & adult counseling services.

The Sibling Shuffle: Solutions for Parenting More Than One Child

by Julie A. Hanks, LCSW, Director of Wasatch Family Therapy

WATCH TV SEGMENT HERE

As one of nine children in my family of origin, and as the mother of four in my current family, I know all about the pain and the joys of sibling relationships and of the parenting challenges that come along with raising children. Here are some common complaints and dilemmas, and tips for parenting more than one child.

Common Complaints From Children To Parents
• That’s not fair!
• You like him/her better!
• How come you let him/her do _____________?
• Why do you baby him/her?
• How come you’re harder on me than the other kids?

Common Parenting Dilemmas
Here are some common family situations that may leave parents wondering how to manage their children’s varying needs:
• One child is dedicated to and involved in a sport, artistic, or academic area that is very time consuming and expensive.
• A child has an illness or disability and requires extra parental attention.
• Many years separate the ages of siblings so they are in different developmental stages.
• Your personality just “clicks” with one child over the others.

Solutions for Parenting More Than One Child:
1 -Focus on meeting needs instead of on fairness
No matter how hard you try to be “fair” among siblings there is really no way to achieve equality. There will be times when parent’s attention will shift slightly toward one child or another depending on each child’s needs. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but an opportunity for the other children to learn life lessons, like empathy and patience. Rather than trying to be fair, focus on meeting each child’s needs at each stage of development.

A wise friend and mother of four, Cori Connors, shared this helpful idea when it comes to parenting many children, “I always told my children they were soup…some need an onion, some need more bullion, some need more salt or a little pepper. If I didn’t taste and adjust according to what was needed it would be yucky soup. You can’t just presume that fine cuisine follows one recipe.”

2-Celebrate each child’s unique qualities
Each child has different talents and strengths that can and should be celebrated. For example, if your family is big on sports and one child is more gifted in art than athletics, be sure to attend his or her art shows and encourage siblings to show their support. If you have a child that is more challenging for you to understand or celebrate, it’s even more important to actively find strengths to celebrate. Be careful not to compare children to their siblings.

3-Avoid labeling your children
While it’s natural for parents to categorize (i.e. the baby, the quiet one, the smart one, the dumb one, the helpful one, the pretty one, the loud one) but keep in mind that labels, even when positive, can hinder your child’s self-expression and development especially when they are rigid and enduring. It may be more helpful to acknowledge each child’s efforts instead of using a general label. For example, instead of saying, “You’re so smart” try, “You work hard and really seem to care about doing well in school.”

4-Listen to each child’s underlying emotions & desires
Underscoring children’s complaints to parents about unfair treatment are often requests for their needs to be met and for their underlying emotions to be heard. As the parent, you have the honor of helping your child learn to identify their deeper emotions and to help them say what they want and need from you. For example, if a child says, “You love him more than me!” he may be trying to say “Mom, I’m sad that I’m not spending more time with you.” Put your own defensiveness on hold and try to hear the meaning behind the complaint.

5-Encourage cooperation instead of competition
Since most siblings seem to be competitive by nature, it’s easy as a parent to use this competition to motivate our children to do what we want them to do. Instead, Use phrases that encourage win-win situations and helping each other. Instead of saying, “Let’s see who can get their teeth brushed first” try “Let’s all get teeth brushed and read a book together.”

To schedule a therapy session with Julie email us here.

(c) 2010 Julie de Azevedo Hanks