Self and Relationship Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW, Owner and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, shares how you can become your child’s “emotion coach” and help her develop emotional health on KSL TV's Studio 5.
Watch the TV segment online HERE
As a parent, I find it’s often easier to focus on my children’s physical and external needs (food, shelter, clothing, grooming, education, relationships) than on their emotional needs. As a therapist I understand the crucial role that emotions play in our lives, but when I was a new mom and my own children expressed intense emotions, it was challenging to help them work through it. I tried hard not to shame or to dismiss their emotions, but I also didn’t want their intense emotion to rule my life…or theirs. When I came across the work of Dr. John Gottman and his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child several years ago I remember thinking, “This fits with what I intuitively knew about parenting and it describes the parent I want to be!” It provided a framework to help me more effectively help my children understand and express emotions in healthy and productive ways.
Why Emotional Intelligence Matters
According to Dr. John Gottman’s research emotionally healthy, emotionally intelligent children are better able to regulate their emotions, calm their heart rate faster after being emotionally upset, had fewer infections, are better at focusing attention, have healthier peer relationships, and perform better academically. The best way to help you children achieve emotional health is to adopt an “emotion coaching” parenting style.
Dr. Gottman’s 5 Steps to Emotion Coaching:
1. Be aware of your child’s emotions
2. View emotional expression as opportunity for teaching and intimacy
3. Listen, empathize, and validate your child’s feelings
4. Label emotions in words your child understands
5. Help your child come up with solution or way to manage emotions
Recommended Parenting Books:
Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, PhD & Joan Declaire
Parenting From The Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell
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Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women’s mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, & classes. Visit HERE for more relationship advice.
Join the discussion by posting comments below (your email will be kept private). I’d love to know your favorite parenting books. What do you do to raise emotionally healthy kids?
Showing posts with label Wasatch Family Therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Wasatch Family Therapy. Show all posts
6/01/2010
Finding Strength Through Difficult Times: Divorce
By Julie Hanks, LCSW
Watch Studio 5 TV Segment HERE
Divorce is a time of crisis: "a dangerous opportunity". It is an opportunity to find out that you're stronger than you think you are. Though individual circumstances vary greatly from one divorce situation to another, you have a choice in how you respond to divorce. As with all difficult and painful life transitions, this familiar adage applies to divorce "You can become bitter or you can become better."
Finding Strength Through A Divorce:
1-RedefineGoing through a divorce requires redefinition of yourself, your family, your relationships, your life. It's a time for honest self-reflection: a time to look inside of yourself and shift your views to accommodate the many life changes you're going through.
Ask yourself:
Who am I without the marriage and the role of "wife"?
What were my contributions to the demise of the marriage?
What can I learn from this experience that will make me a stronger person?
2-Refocus
Divorce is a time to take inventory of what matters most to you. If you're children have become less of a priority during the stress of the divorce process, recommit to investing more in your relationship with them. If you've given up a hobby or interest during your marriage, pick it up again. If spirituality is important to you, recommit to investing in your connection with God.
Ask yourself:
What aspects of life are most important to me?
What areas of life do I want to focus on now?
Am I investing my time and energy into who and what I value most?
3-Redesign
The end of a relationship that one or both of you didn't want will free up energy to invest in other parts of your life. Though it's scary to explore the uncharted territory of life as a single person, try actively taking risks to get out or your comfort zone. A former therapy client decided to go back to school and get her MBA after she divorced, a dream that she'd put on hold when she married.
Ask yourself:
Who do I want to become?
What am I most passionate about?
What are some activities that will get me out of my comfort zone and expose me to new people and experiences?
Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women's mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, classes. Visit www.juliehanks.com for more inspiration on how to let your best self shine!
If you need help healing from divorce contact the professionals at Wasatch Family Therapy (801) 944-4555 for information on children, teen & adult counseling services.
Watch Studio 5 TV Segment HERE
Divorce is a time of crisis: "a dangerous opportunity". It is an opportunity to find out that you're stronger than you think you are. Though individual circumstances vary greatly from one divorce situation to another, you have a choice in how you respond to divorce. As with all difficult and painful life transitions, this familiar adage applies to divorce "You can become bitter or you can become better."
Finding Strength Through A Divorce:
1-RedefineGoing through a divorce requires redefinition of yourself, your family, your relationships, your life. It's a time for honest self-reflection: a time to look inside of yourself and shift your views to accommodate the many life changes you're going through.
Ask yourself:
Who am I without the marriage and the role of "wife"?
What were my contributions to the demise of the marriage?
What can I learn from this experience that will make me a stronger person?
2-Refocus
Divorce is a time to take inventory of what matters most to you. If you're children have become less of a priority during the stress of the divorce process, recommit to investing more in your relationship with them. If you've given up a hobby or interest during your marriage, pick it up again. If spirituality is important to you, recommit to investing in your connection with God.
Ask yourself:
What aspects of life are most important to me?
What areas of life do I want to focus on now?
Am I investing my time and energy into who and what I value most?
3-Redesign
The end of a relationship that one or both of you didn't want will free up energy to invest in other parts of your life. Though it's scary to explore the uncharted territory of life as a single person, try actively taking risks to get out or your comfort zone. A former therapy client decided to go back to school and get her MBA after she divorced, a dream that she'd put on hold when she married.
Ask yourself:
Who do I want to become?
What am I most passionate about?
What are some activities that will get me out of my comfort zone and expose me to new people and experiences?
Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women's mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, classes. Visit www.juliehanks.com for more inspiration on how to let your best self shine!
If you need help healing from divorce contact the professionals at Wasatch Family Therapy (801) 944-4555 for information on children, teen & adult counseling services.
4/29/2010
The Parenting Pyramid Part 2 - Teaching
By Jonathan Harrop, Marriage and Family Therapy Student Intern
Teaching:"If you want a child to be disciplined - correct them. If you want them to learn self-discipline - teach them."
THE PARENTING PYRAMID?
The Great Pyramids of Egypt are magnificent and old. If anyone ever decided to try to preserve these pyramids, it probably would not be wise to work on preserving the top portion of the pyramid while the lower portions continue deteriorating away. This would only assure the destruction of the pyramid. The same is assumed with "The Parenting Pyramid", a model created by the Arbinger Institute. Every layer is important to create this beautiful structure, however, there is an order of importance. It would be wise to work on preserving the bottom portions as we work our way up the pyramid. The parenting pyramid is rightfully called so because of the nature of how a pyramid works. The last article discussed the very top layer of the Parenting Pyramid: Correction. While correction is most certainly needed in parenting, there is another principle that is more fundamental so that the correction will be effective and beautiful: that is - Teaching.
"The Parenting Pyramid"
Correction
Teaching
Parent/Child Relationship
Parent's Relationship
Personal Way of Being In my first article on the Parenting Pyramid I related a story of when I was five-years-old. I had stolen some candy, my mother was notified, and she made sure to correct me. While it was very appropriate to correct this bad behavior, we, as parents, cannot always wait until our children do something bad in order to correct them. The job of a parent is difficult. We must be actively looking for opportunities to teach our children, to prevent the bad stuff from happening, and to help bring out the good in them.
TEACHING IS MORE THAN CORRECTION
If teaching is so good, why do we tend to fall short in this area?! There may be a number of reasons, but all-in-all it takes greater effort. Think about it... when we focus the majority of our parenting on correcting, all we have to do is wait until something bad happens, and then we can correct them. With teaching, however, we have to be active - we have to be proactive - always looking for opportunities to teach our children, to prevent the bad things from happening as much as possible. However, there may be some things that we miss in our teaching. My mother taught me a lot, but she probably didn't think that she had to teach me that stealing was wrong... I was only 5-years-old! What made my mother's correction effective, was that she also taught me that stealing is bad and why it is bad. Think about it. How can a 5-year-old child know that stealing is wrong if he/she has never been taught that? A classic example of this principle is that of a 3-year-old child about to run into the street when the parent runs and grabs them and then reprimands them for running into the street... only to have the child respond, asking "what's a street?" So often where we fall short is not in our efforts to correct, but in building that correction on a foundation of teaching. If we are not teaching our children, then our correction will be empty and ineffective.
BEYOND "BECAUSE I SAID SO"
So when you teach, what will you be teaching? Most often you will be teaching principles, values, morals, and sometimes simply facts. Probably the thing children hate most are the infamous phrases: "Because I said so!" or "Just because!" These phrases are often attempts to discipline, but are not founded upon teaching. On the other hand, when we take the active effort to teach our children, and to found our correction upon teaching the principles behind the correction, then we are helping to instill the values in our children that will encourage self-discipline in them and will help them to continue to make good choices on their own. On the other hand, when our correction lacks the foundation of teaching, then it becomes empty. As a result, our children's obedience can then become empty and based only upon the reason that "Mom or Dad said so." As the quote at the beginning of this article states... if our goal is to help our children obey us, then consistent quality correction can do that. However, if we desire our children to learn self-discipline, then we must teach them and help them instill the values and principles we desire for them to use in their lives.
BACK TO THE PYRAMID
Taking the pyramid analogy again, a pyramid isn't complete without its top portion... but the top portion of a pyramid relies completely upon the portion below it to keep it steady and firm. Correction is needed in parenting, however, correction relies completely upon teaching in order for it to be effective and for it to do what we hope it will do. Take a moment to see if your correction is founded upon teaching. Do you ever throw out the "Because I said so!" or "Just because!" comments... or something similar to that nature? It's easy for us to throw those comments out there, especially if we are tired and irritated. Focus this next little while on teaching your children and be prepared to go a level deeper with me next article.
To schedule your $50 therapy session with Jonathan email or call 801-944-4555
(c) 2010 Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC
Teaching:"If you want a child to be disciplined - correct them. If you want them to learn self-discipline - teach them."
THE PARENTING PYRAMID?
The Great Pyramids of Egypt are magnificent and old. If anyone ever decided to try to preserve these pyramids, it probably would not be wise to work on preserving the top portion of the pyramid while the lower portions continue deteriorating away. This would only assure the destruction of the pyramid. The same is assumed with "The Parenting Pyramid", a model created by the Arbinger Institute. Every layer is important to create this beautiful structure, however, there is an order of importance. It would be wise to work on preserving the bottom portions as we work our way up the pyramid. The parenting pyramid is rightfully called so because of the nature of how a pyramid works. The last article discussed the very top layer of the Parenting Pyramid: Correction. While correction is most certainly needed in parenting, there is another principle that is more fundamental so that the correction will be effective and beautiful: that is - Teaching.
"The Parenting Pyramid"
Correction
Teaching
Parent/Child Relationship
Parent's Relationship
Personal Way of Being In my first article on the Parenting Pyramid I related a story of when I was five-years-old. I had stolen some candy, my mother was notified, and she made sure to correct me. While it was very appropriate to correct this bad behavior, we, as parents, cannot always wait until our children do something bad in order to correct them. The job of a parent is difficult. We must be actively looking for opportunities to teach our children, to prevent the bad stuff from happening, and to help bring out the good in them.
TEACHING IS MORE THAN CORRECTION
If teaching is so good, why do we tend to fall short in this area?! There may be a number of reasons, but all-in-all it takes greater effort. Think about it... when we focus the majority of our parenting on correcting, all we have to do is wait until something bad happens, and then we can correct them. With teaching, however, we have to be active - we have to be proactive - always looking for opportunities to teach our children, to prevent the bad things from happening as much as possible. However, there may be some things that we miss in our teaching. My mother taught me a lot, but she probably didn't think that she had to teach me that stealing was wrong... I was only 5-years-old! What made my mother's correction effective, was that she also taught me that stealing is bad and why it is bad. Think about it. How can a 5-year-old child know that stealing is wrong if he/she has never been taught that? A classic example of this principle is that of a 3-year-old child about to run into the street when the parent runs and grabs them and then reprimands them for running into the street... only to have the child respond, asking "what's a street?" So often where we fall short is not in our efforts to correct, but in building that correction on a foundation of teaching. If we are not teaching our children, then our correction will be empty and ineffective.
BEYOND "BECAUSE I SAID SO"
So when you teach, what will you be teaching? Most often you will be teaching principles, values, morals, and sometimes simply facts. Probably the thing children hate most are the infamous phrases: "Because I said so!" or "Just because!" These phrases are often attempts to discipline, but are not founded upon teaching. On the other hand, when we take the active effort to teach our children, and to found our correction upon teaching the principles behind the correction, then we are helping to instill the values in our children that will encourage self-discipline in them and will help them to continue to make good choices on their own. On the other hand, when our correction lacks the foundation of teaching, then it becomes empty. As a result, our children's obedience can then become empty and based only upon the reason that "Mom or Dad said so." As the quote at the beginning of this article states... if our goal is to help our children obey us, then consistent quality correction can do that. However, if we desire our children to learn self-discipline, then we must teach them and help them instill the values and principles we desire for them to use in their lives.
BACK TO THE PYRAMID
Taking the pyramid analogy again, a pyramid isn't complete without its top portion... but the top portion of a pyramid relies completely upon the portion below it to keep it steady and firm. Correction is needed in parenting, however, correction relies completely upon teaching in order for it to be effective and for it to do what we hope it will do. Take a moment to see if your correction is founded upon teaching. Do you ever throw out the "Because I said so!" or "Just because!" comments... or something similar to that nature? It's easy for us to throw those comments out there, especially if we are tired and irritated. Focus this next little while on teaching your children and be prepared to go a level deeper with me next article.
To schedule your $50 therapy session with Jonathan email or call 801-944-4555
(c) 2010 Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC
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