Getting Back In The Groove

By: Clair Mellenthin, LCSW

Most of us parents are finding ourselves in two different camps right now. The first camp is the “Holy cow! How did summer fly by so quickly,” group of parents who are in the rush of planning the last hurrahs of summer before school starts again. The second camp is the “Can school start any sooner please ?!?!” group and have had the paper chain that you used to use to count down for Christmas hung up in your kitchen counting down the days for school to start for the last month.

Regardless of which camp you find yourself in right now, the end of summer is upon us and it is time to start thinking “How can I prepare my kids (and me) to get back in the school mode?” after the long summer break of late nights and late sleeping in schedules that happen during the summer for most of us. Here are some useful tips that parents can use to get this process rolling:

1- Two weeks before school starts, start a school-time bedtime routine. This
means a little earlier bedtime, less TV watching, and starting to review ABC’s for younger school-age children and spelling and individual math levels. This is also a great time to begin reading together at nighttime, as kids of all ages enjoy the quiet togetherness that this brings.

2- Throughout the rest of the summer, keep your kids’ minds and bodies active. Not all kids need or want to be in summer school but it is important that their minds stay stimulated throughout the summer by learning new skills, activities, or enjoying being outside and exploring their environment.

3- Keep school fun. If the emphasis is always on what grades are achieved instead of what your child learns and grows from, they will learn to resent school and you! School needs to be about learning and the joy that can be had in learning new things, not only about the grades that are received.

It is normal as your begin to change things around to prepare for the school year, that there will be some resistance (by everyone) but it is important to start this process sooner rather than later, as it will decrease everyone’s anxiety and stress as the school year begins.

It is important to check-in frequently with your children about how they are feeling about school starting again. Some may be feeling nervous and scared to have a new teacher and a new schedule. Others may be very excited and looking forward to the start. Most will fall somewhere in-between. By keeping an open dialogue with your children about how they are feeling, they can learn to trust you as a parent with their feelings and know that they can come to you for the small things and later, for the much bigger things that our kids will face. If you can have a home where all feelings are acceptable and where the expression of your feelings can be open and appropriate, children will thrive and gain the confidence and trust they need to be successful not only in this school year, but the years to come.

Life Lessons From Shrek's Mid-life Crisis

Shrek can help us all prevent a neutral stall from becoming a tragic fall!
by Melanie Davis, Mental Health Student and WFT Volunteer

Have you ever had a time when you felt a little stuck? Life may have felt mundane, uneventful and somehow the same scenario of events seemed to present itself daily. You may begin to realize that there was one point in time where all the routine and daily tasks made you happy. All of a sudden you wonder who’s life you are really living because it no longer feels exciting enough to be yours.

It appears from the latest release of Shrek that mid-life crisis do not discriminate by gender, or even human form. In the most recent release of Shrek Forever After (2010 Release), I couldn’t help but notice the screaming mid-life crisis that almost cost Shrek his life partner, three little ogre cubs, and his peaceful and happy life.

Are we all susceptible to this type of mid-life crisis? Have you ever felt the uneasiness of wondering if your life is stuck in neutral, or just for a moment found yourself pondering the great unknown? Playing out daydream scenarios that sound something like... how would it be, if? If I could go back to when I was in my 20’s with no body fat, if… If could get my so called “ogre roar back again”! In modern day society, many refer to this life stall, or stuck in neutral phase as a “mid-life crisis”.

Many times this mid-life crisis phase of life is stereotypically awarded to men alone. Despite what you may have heard, hitting a neutral spot can happen to men and women alike. It can also happen at various stages and points in life. Even possibly occurring on more than one occasion in one person’s life. Many times this neutral state in life drives people to take risks and gamble fortunes they can never regain, only to realize that they could have processed the situation differently and taken a different path to dealing with the feelings associated with feeling stuck.

Could it be that we could all possibly learn from Shrek’s adventure into exploring the perceived ‘greener grass’ on the other side of the village? Could we possibly find ways to embrace a possible mid-life crisis as an opportunity to open a new door into something that could improve our lives, without losing those we love and our sanity all in the same leap to a solution? There is!

Tips for getting out of neutral…. Examine
Communicate, Add/Take-Away and Reassess…

Examine. Examine what is really getting to you. You may initially feel like all of life is boring and everything must change in order to recover your satisfaction and enthusiasm for life. When in reality it may just be one aspect of your life that is causing this dissatisfaction. Examine the different areas of your life, work, family, personal endeavors and see which might need your attention.

Communicate. Communicate with the loved ones around you, especially your immediate family. They may sense that you are not “yourself” and feel concerned or to blame. Share what is going on, and that you are working through identifying some new ways to improve yourself and your personal well being. Communicating with children and partners can allow them to understand and not personalize your mid-life crisis.
Add or take away. After you examine what might be the source of this life stall, you may identify some things or activities that could be added or taken away from your life to improve your satisfaction. Are you over booked or accepting responsibilities that overwhelm you? Or is it time to try to learn something new in life, try a new hobby, learn how to play an instrument or learn a new language. Creating an inventory of your life goals and aspirations can support you in determining what might be useful to add or take away.

Reassess. Reassessing your level of satisfaction and progress out of your mid-life crisis is crucial. As you add new things to your life that may contribute to more life satisfaction. Or in the same light remove responsibilities from your life that may be holding you back. Reassess the emotional results of that change. Are you feeling better? Are you still feeling stuck, or are things improving? Equally assess the potentially negative impact of removing or adding this new thing to your life.

Tips for the Supporter!

Finally, tips for the person supporting the individual facing a mid-life crisis. If you have noticed that someone in your life may be stuck, or feeling like their life is in neutral, do your best to be supportive and not to take it personal. Be a cheerleader for your partner in supporting the adoption of the steps above to possibly help in alleviating some of the monotony in their life. A supportive and understanding partner can aid in reducing withdrawal, opening up communication channels and being a part of the change, rather than a bystander. This positive support may lead to improvements in both of your lives and your relationship.

In all situations the severity of the situation can only be assessed by the people involved. If you find that there are more serious or deeper rooted issues, consider seeking mental health support as an individual, couple or family.

Loving Together vs. Living Together

Connecting on a Daily Basis
by Rachel Davis, LMFT

Do you ever feel that your spouse is more like a roommate than a close, loving, and intimate partner? If you answered yes you are among a very high percentage of married couples. I have numerous couples each week ask me what the secret is to maintaining a loving marital relationship. My answer to that is in fact a question. Are you connecting on a daily basis? I do not mean connecting with your children, work, or the Internet. Are you taking the time to emotionally connect with your spouse on a daily basis?

Marriage researchers have found couples that participate in connection rituals have higher marital satisfaction. In fact daily rituals have been linked to lower levels of depression and anxiety. Participating in connection rituals allows you and your spouse to communicate and act in a more open and honest manner. It teaches your spouse what is and is not appreciated in the marriage. Most of all it allows you to connect outside of work, children, and other distractions and focus on each other. Here are some seemingly simple tasks that can take your relationship from living together to having a mutually loving and respectful marital relationship.

1) Daily Talk Time: Schedule five to ten minutes everyday that you and your spouse can talk one on one without distraction. Whether it is early in the morning or after the children have gone to bed, find a regular time to sit down with your spouse and talk. This time is not meant to vent about work or coordinate schedules. This time is devoted to each other. Talk about future vacations, what you want for your birthday, what you appreciate about each other, what you would like to work on in your relationship, and other topics that allow you to "connect" emotionally. If you and your spouse have a difficult time communicating without talking about the children, work etc. buy a book that give you topics to talk about, a daily thought, or asks questions the two of you can answer. The hope is for you and your spouse to devote time to each other, and only each other, everyday.

2) Eat Together: Eating meals regularly can be a positive experience not only for the whole family, but for the couple as well. Find time once a day to sit down at the table and eat together. If you don't have children this can count for your daily talk time. With children, this time can become a ritual to teach and build family communication.

3) Daily Goodbyes and Greetings: How do you and your spouse say goodbye? How do you greet each other when someone gets home? Many couples yell a quick goodbye or are satisfied with a small kiss on the cheek. Take the time to make goodbyes and greetings more meaningful. Look each other in the eyes, hug and/or kiss the other person and ask a connecting question. For example: When will you be home? How was your day? What would you like to do together this afternoon/evening? These are common questions, but are easily ignored when the spouse inquiring isn't engaged in the answer. Take the time to ask, answer, and listen so your spouse knows you care. Talk to your spouse about how you would like to change your greetings and goodbyes and make an effort to make it more meaningful.

4) Weekly to bi-monthly dates: While this seems a simple task many couples have difficulty going on dates. Whether it is the cost of the date, or problems finding babysitters I often hear couples give excuses for why dates are simply out of the question. Some couples do not see the need for these regular dates. When a couple has children often their identity changes from a "couple" to "mom and dad." Several empty nesters I work with complain they do not know how to be a couple because their children are gone. Every marital relationship needs to have an identity as a couple, even if you have children!!! Regular date nights allow you to explore and find ways to create and maintain this couple identity. It does not need to be elaborate, but find a time at least bi-monthly for a date night.

Talk to your spouse about these techniques, make some goals, and get to work! Hopefully as you and your spouse start connecting emotionally on a daily basis you will see your relationship strengthen and your appreciation for each other grow.

Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child

Self and Relationship Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW, Owner and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, shares how you can become your child’s “emotion coach” and help her develop emotional health on KSL TV's Studio 5.

Watch the TV segment online HERE

As a parent, I find it’s often easier to focus on my children’s physical and external needs (food, shelter, clothing, grooming, education, relationships) than on their emotional needs. As a therapist I understand the crucial role that emotions play in our lives, but when I was a new mom and my own children expressed intense emotions, it was challenging to help them work through it. I tried hard not to shame or to dismiss their emotions, but I also didn’t want their intense emotion to rule my life…or theirs. When I came across the work of Dr. John Gottman and his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child several years ago I remember thinking, “This fits with what I intuitively knew about parenting and it describes the parent I want to be!” It provided a framework to help me more effectively help my children understand and express emotions in healthy and productive ways.

Why Emotional Intelligence Matters

According to Dr. John Gottman’s research emotionally healthy, emotionally intelligent children are better able to regulate their emotions, calm their heart rate faster after being emotionally upset, had fewer infections, are better at focusing attention, have healthier peer relationships, and perform better academically. The best way to help you children achieve emotional health is to adopt an “emotion coaching” parenting style.

Dr. Gottman’s 5 Steps to Emotion Coaching:

1. Be aware of your child’s emotions

2. View emotional expression as opportunity for teaching and intimacy

3. Listen, empathize, and validate your child’s feelings

4. Label emotions in words your child understands

5. Help your child come up with solution or way to manage emotions

Recommended Parenting Books:

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, PhD & Joan Declaire

Parenting From The Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell
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Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women’s mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, & classes. Visit HERE for more relationship advice.

Join the discussion by posting comments below (your email will be kept private). I’d love to know your favorite parenting books. What do you do to raise emotionally healthy kids?

What John Wayne Left Out: Helping Men Get What They Want In Marriage

By Todd Dunn, PhD

Generations of American men have learned from “The Duke” that in order to beat the bad guy and rescue the damsel in distress, you have to be tough, brave and work hard. That’s all fine and dandy. Most men don’t have a problem with those things. We can work hard, act tough and sweep a woman off her feet. What most of us struggle with, however, is what to do next. Unfortunately, this is where John Wayne’s movies end. John Wayne doesn’t show us how to be happily married or provide a stable livelihood. We never saw John Wayne struggle with marital difficulties, much less manage a 30-year fixed mortgage, career changes, fatherhood, church service, etc. I guess those plot lines don’t make for good westerns.

With June being National Men’s Health Month, I want to focus on improving men’s emotional health by filling in one of the gaps left by John Wayne. Specifically, I’d like to address what men want in their marriage and give three suggestions on how we can attain it.

What men want in relationships is to love and be loved. Research shows men are happiest and healthiest when in a loving relationship. In fact, men in loving relationships live longer and are less likely to experience heart disease, stroke, depression, anxiety or chronic pain than men not in loving relationships.

I doubt if there are any surprises here. After all, John Wayne risked arm and leg to win the affection of the woman he loved. What men struggle with is how to maintain a loving relationship once it’s started. This is where manly toughness ceases to help and instead hinders. Listed below are a few suggestions to help men get what they want out of their marriages.

1. It’s Not All about Sex

Our culture teaches men to express emotional needs physically. Boys are often teased when they attempt to say how they feel, especially when they convey a sense of vulnerability (e.g., fear, sadness or distress). On the other hand, boys are praised for acting out their aggression on a football field or holding in their emotions through statements such as, “Way to suck it up!” or “You are tough!”

When married, men are naturally inclined to use sex as a means to feel close and express love. I often hear men say to their spouse, “If you really cared about me, you would want to meet my needs.” My suggestion to men is based on the belief that love and closeness are built upon open and honest expression of emotion, especially those emotions that leave you feeling vulnerable. I know! What if you are not feeling anything? If that’s the case, then say that. Talk about how you want to feel closer to your spouse and the trouble you have expressing your emotions. Try it. On your next free evening, sit down together and open up without an expectation for sex. It may surprise you how good it feels.

2) No More Mind Games

Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind. Did you know your face can produce over 20,000 expressions? These thousands of facial expressions can then coincide or contradict the many subtle messages you send through your body language. How in the world, then, can your spouse know what you are thinking by just looking at you?

To avoid all the confusion, I recommend you share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. As you do, remember to avoid saying “you”, as it can sound like you are blaming your spouse for how you feel. Instead, say something like, “I feel _____ when _____ because _____.” Saying “I” helps you take responsibility for what you think and feel. Again, you will be surprised by how good it feels to share your internal experiences and not have to wait for others to guess it.

3) Praise Your Spouse

Research finds that most men only have one close friend, their spouse. As a result, most of our emotional needs are placed upon our marriage. Also, men are exposed to countless messages from the media telling them their spouses are supposed to be passionate, sexual and emotionally fulfilling. Taken together, men are sometimes too quick to blame their spouse for any unhappiness.

I recommend making a conscious effort to praise your spouse. Tell her how lovely she is; compliment her hair or outfit; mention how much you appreciate everything she does for you. I suspect that once you start looking for things to compliment, you’ll be surprised by how many things you like about your spouse.

The take home message here is that your spouse isn’t perfect. Trust me, she knows that already. But, neither are you. You both are trying the best you can with what you have. It’s just that you will be a much happier husband if you focus on what you have, rather than what you don’t have. After all, happiness often isn’t found through focusing on your self. It most often comes from the sustained emotional investment in other people.

Focus on becoming a better person and partner and ask your spouse for help with this…

Wasatch is offering FREE Men's Mental Health Screenings the week of June 14-18 by appointment. Call (801) 944-4555 to schedule your screening, or to get help for the man you love!

Dr. Todd Dunn is a Licensed Psychologist at Wasatch Family Therapy specializing in men's mental health and relationships. To schedule a session with Dr. Dunn call 801.944.4555 or visit wasatchfamilytherapy.com.

Finding Strength Through Difficult Times: Divorce

By Julie Hanks, LCSW

Watch Studio 5 TV Segment HERE

Divorce is a time of crisis: "a dangerous opportunity". It is an opportunity to find out that you're stronger than you think you are. Though individual circumstances vary greatly from one divorce situation to another, you have a choice in how you respond to divorce. As with all difficult and painful life transitions, this familiar adage applies to divorce "You can become bitter or you can become better."
Finding Strength Through A Divorce:

1-RedefineGoing through a divorce requires redefinition of yourself, your family, your relationships, your life. It's a time for honest self-reflection: a time to look inside of yourself and shift your views to accommodate the many life changes you're going through.

Ask yourself:
Who am I without the marriage and the role of "wife"?
What were my contributions to the demise of the marriage?
What can I learn from this experience that will make me a stronger person?

2-Refocus

Divorce is a time to take inventory of what matters most to you. If you're children have become less of a priority during the stress of the divorce process, recommit to investing more in your relationship with them. If you've given up a hobby or interest during your marriage, pick it up again. If spirituality is important to you, recommit to investing in your connection with God.

Ask yourself:
What aspects of life are most important to me?
What areas of life do I want to focus on now?
Am I investing my time and energy into who and what I value most?

3-Redesign

The end of a relationship that one or both of you didn't want will free up energy to invest in other parts of your life. Though it's scary to explore the uncharted territory of life as a single person, try actively taking risks to get out or your comfort zone. A former therapy client decided to go back to school and get her MBA after she divorced, a dream that she'd put on hold when she married.

Ask yourself:
Who do I want to become?
What am I most passionate about?
What are some activities that will get me out of my comfort zone and expose me to new people and experiences?

Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women's mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, classes. Visit www.juliehanks.com for more inspiration on how to let your best self shine!

If you need help healing from divorce contact the professionals at Wasatch Family Therapy (801) 944-4555 for information on children, teen & adult counseling services.