Life Lessons From Shrek's Mid-life Crisis

Shrek can help us all prevent a neutral stall from becoming a tragic fall!
by Melanie Davis, Mental Health Student and WFT Volunteer

Have you ever had a time when you felt a little stuck? Life may have felt mundane, uneventful and somehow the same scenario of events seemed to present itself daily. You may begin to realize that there was one point in time where all the routine and daily tasks made you happy. All of a sudden you wonder who’s life you are really living because it no longer feels exciting enough to be yours.

It appears from the latest release of Shrek that mid-life crisis do not discriminate by gender, or even human form. In the most recent release of Shrek Forever After (2010 Release), I couldn’t help but notice the screaming mid-life crisis that almost cost Shrek his life partner, three little ogre cubs, and his peaceful and happy life.

Are we all susceptible to this type of mid-life crisis? Have you ever felt the uneasiness of wondering if your life is stuck in neutral, or just for a moment found yourself pondering the great unknown? Playing out daydream scenarios that sound something like... how would it be, if? If I could go back to when I was in my 20’s with no body fat, if… If could get my so called “ogre roar back again”! In modern day society, many refer to this life stall, or stuck in neutral phase as a “mid-life crisis”.

Many times this mid-life crisis phase of life is stereotypically awarded to men alone. Despite what you may have heard, hitting a neutral spot can happen to men and women alike. It can also happen at various stages and points in life. Even possibly occurring on more than one occasion in one person’s life. Many times this neutral state in life drives people to take risks and gamble fortunes they can never regain, only to realize that they could have processed the situation differently and taken a different path to dealing with the feelings associated with feeling stuck.

Could it be that we could all possibly learn from Shrek’s adventure into exploring the perceived ‘greener grass’ on the other side of the village? Could we possibly find ways to embrace a possible mid-life crisis as an opportunity to open a new door into something that could improve our lives, without losing those we love and our sanity all in the same leap to a solution? There is!

Tips for getting out of neutral…. Examine
Communicate, Add/Take-Away and Reassess…

Examine. Examine what is really getting to you. You may initially feel like all of life is boring and everything must change in order to recover your satisfaction and enthusiasm for life. When in reality it may just be one aspect of your life that is causing this dissatisfaction. Examine the different areas of your life, work, family, personal endeavors and see which might need your attention.

Communicate. Communicate with the loved ones around you, especially your immediate family. They may sense that you are not “yourself” and feel concerned or to blame. Share what is going on, and that you are working through identifying some new ways to improve yourself and your personal well being. Communicating with children and partners can allow them to understand and not personalize your mid-life crisis.
Add or take away. After you examine what might be the source of this life stall, you may identify some things or activities that could be added or taken away from your life to improve your satisfaction. Are you over booked or accepting responsibilities that overwhelm you? Or is it time to try to learn something new in life, try a new hobby, learn how to play an instrument or learn a new language. Creating an inventory of your life goals and aspirations can support you in determining what might be useful to add or take away.

Reassess. Reassessing your level of satisfaction and progress out of your mid-life crisis is crucial. As you add new things to your life that may contribute to more life satisfaction. Or in the same light remove responsibilities from your life that may be holding you back. Reassess the emotional results of that change. Are you feeling better? Are you still feeling stuck, or are things improving? Equally assess the potentially negative impact of removing or adding this new thing to your life.

Tips for the Supporter!

Finally, tips for the person supporting the individual facing a mid-life crisis. If you have noticed that someone in your life may be stuck, or feeling like their life is in neutral, do your best to be supportive and not to take it personal. Be a cheerleader for your partner in supporting the adoption of the steps above to possibly help in alleviating some of the monotony in their life. A supportive and understanding partner can aid in reducing withdrawal, opening up communication channels and being a part of the change, rather than a bystander. This positive support may lead to improvements in both of your lives and your relationship.

In all situations the severity of the situation can only be assessed by the people involved. If you find that there are more serious or deeper rooted issues, consider seeking mental health support as an individual, couple or family.

Loving Together vs. Living Together

Connecting on a Daily Basis
by Rachel Davis, LMFT

Do you ever feel that your spouse is more like a roommate than a close, loving, and intimate partner? If you answered yes you are among a very high percentage of married couples. I have numerous couples each week ask me what the secret is to maintaining a loving marital relationship. My answer to that is in fact a question. Are you connecting on a daily basis? I do not mean connecting with your children, work, or the Internet. Are you taking the time to emotionally connect with your spouse on a daily basis?

Marriage researchers have found couples that participate in connection rituals have higher marital satisfaction. In fact daily rituals have been linked to lower levels of depression and anxiety. Participating in connection rituals allows you and your spouse to communicate and act in a more open and honest manner. It teaches your spouse what is and is not appreciated in the marriage. Most of all it allows you to connect outside of work, children, and other distractions and focus on each other. Here are some seemingly simple tasks that can take your relationship from living together to having a mutually loving and respectful marital relationship.

1) Daily Talk Time: Schedule five to ten minutes everyday that you and your spouse can talk one on one without distraction. Whether it is early in the morning or after the children have gone to bed, find a regular time to sit down with your spouse and talk. This time is not meant to vent about work or coordinate schedules. This time is devoted to each other. Talk about future vacations, what you want for your birthday, what you appreciate about each other, what you would like to work on in your relationship, and other topics that allow you to "connect" emotionally. If you and your spouse have a difficult time communicating without talking about the children, work etc. buy a book that give you topics to talk about, a daily thought, or asks questions the two of you can answer. The hope is for you and your spouse to devote time to each other, and only each other, everyday.

2) Eat Together: Eating meals regularly can be a positive experience not only for the whole family, but for the couple as well. Find time once a day to sit down at the table and eat together. If you don't have children this can count for your daily talk time. With children, this time can become a ritual to teach and build family communication.

3) Daily Goodbyes and Greetings: How do you and your spouse say goodbye? How do you greet each other when someone gets home? Many couples yell a quick goodbye or are satisfied with a small kiss on the cheek. Take the time to make goodbyes and greetings more meaningful. Look each other in the eyes, hug and/or kiss the other person and ask a connecting question. For example: When will you be home? How was your day? What would you like to do together this afternoon/evening? These are common questions, but are easily ignored when the spouse inquiring isn't engaged in the answer. Take the time to ask, answer, and listen so your spouse knows you care. Talk to your spouse about how you would like to change your greetings and goodbyes and make an effort to make it more meaningful.

4) Weekly to bi-monthly dates: While this seems a simple task many couples have difficulty going on dates. Whether it is the cost of the date, or problems finding babysitters I often hear couples give excuses for why dates are simply out of the question. Some couples do not see the need for these regular dates. When a couple has children often their identity changes from a "couple" to "mom and dad." Several empty nesters I work with complain they do not know how to be a couple because their children are gone. Every marital relationship needs to have an identity as a couple, even if you have children!!! Regular date nights allow you to explore and find ways to create and maintain this couple identity. It does not need to be elaborate, but find a time at least bi-monthly for a date night.

Talk to your spouse about these techniques, make some goals, and get to work! Hopefully as you and your spouse start connecting emotionally on a daily basis you will see your relationship strengthen and your appreciation for each other grow.

Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child

Self and Relationship Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW, Owner and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, shares how you can become your child’s “emotion coach” and help her develop emotional health on KSL TV's Studio 5.

Watch the TV segment online HERE

As a parent, I find it’s often easier to focus on my children’s physical and external needs (food, shelter, clothing, grooming, education, relationships) than on their emotional needs. As a therapist I understand the crucial role that emotions play in our lives, but when I was a new mom and my own children expressed intense emotions, it was challenging to help them work through it. I tried hard not to shame or to dismiss their emotions, but I also didn’t want their intense emotion to rule my life…or theirs. When I came across the work of Dr. John Gottman and his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child several years ago I remember thinking, “This fits with what I intuitively knew about parenting and it describes the parent I want to be!” It provided a framework to help me more effectively help my children understand and express emotions in healthy and productive ways.

Why Emotional Intelligence Matters

According to Dr. John Gottman’s research emotionally healthy, emotionally intelligent children are better able to regulate their emotions, calm their heart rate faster after being emotionally upset, had fewer infections, are better at focusing attention, have healthier peer relationships, and perform better academically. The best way to help you children achieve emotional health is to adopt an “emotion coaching” parenting style.

Dr. Gottman’s 5 Steps to Emotion Coaching:

1. Be aware of your child’s emotions

2. View emotional expression as opportunity for teaching and intimacy

3. Listen, empathize, and validate your child’s feelings

4. Label emotions in words your child understands

5. Help your child come up with solution or way to manage emotions

Recommended Parenting Books:

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, PhD & Joan Declaire

Parenting From The Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell
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Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women’s mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, & classes. Visit HERE for more relationship advice.

Join the discussion by posting comments below (your email will be kept private). I’d love to know your favorite parenting books. What do you do to raise emotionally healthy kids?