Man vs. Holiday

By Todd W. Dunn, PhD

As Christmas time approaches, I am reminded of a man that has become a symbol of the holidays. Not only does he teach millions the true meaning of Christmas every year, but he has won our hearts through his relentless crusade for the family. No, he’s not perfect, alas none of us are, but this man stands out as a bastion of light in a world that is forgetting the value of an honest day’s work, family dinners and cutting down your own Christmas tree. Of course, I’m talking about Clark Griswold, from the holiday classic National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

Perhaps, Clark Griswold is not the man you were thinking of, but, joking aside, I do think he provides an example to men of how we can make the most of the holidays. In fact, if we men take to heart the three tips presented below, I’d wager that the holidays become less of an endurance test, where we take on the persona of Bear Grylls’ to survive scary run ins with in-laws, extended family, road-trips with the kids, Christmas carols, garlands, etc., and more about rejuvenation, reconnection and celebrating what you value most.

1) Build Closeness

As Christmas day approached, Clark Griswold seemed to isolate himself more and more from his family. He disappeared into his work and projects that lasted for hours, like stapling thousands of Christmas lights to his house. As a result, he lost touch with his support group and felt like he had to manage his difficulties alone.

I’m not saying we should stop working or pursuing important projects (I say important because some projects are, let’s be honest, glorified excuses to get out of the house.). I’m saying we should stay focused on what we really need, which is to feel useful, cared for and connected. These needs are best met by building relationships with significant others, not accomplishing impressive feats alone. With Clark Griswold, no one else really cared about the crazy Christmas decorations anyway.

So, make time in your hectic holiday schedule to stay connected. You may invite your significant other or kids to join you on a project, ask your partner if there is something you can help with and do together, or skip one Christmas party to make sure you keep date night. Remember, the focus should be on relationships, not outcomes.

2) Share Expectations

Clark Griswold was bound and determined to have the best Christmas ever. He drug his children out to the wilderness to find a “real” Christmas tree, bought a new swimming pool to surprise his family and used up the city’s electricity when covering his house in lights, all in the hopes of providing his family with a extraordinary holiday experience. The problem was that no one else knew what he wanted, so he was continually let down and disappointed.

Believe it or not, you also have holiday expectations. What are they? Given your current circumstances, what would your ideal Christmas holiday look like? Now, instead of waiting for others to read your mind, share these expectations. It may also be a good idea to ask what other’s expectations are, so you can work together to find common ground. The reciprocal sharing and asking for what you need will build unity and increase the likelihood that you’ll actually get your expectations met. Who knows, maybe you can trade three hours at the mall this Saturday, shopping for relatives you don’t even know, for an activity you actually enjoy.

3) Take a Break

While holidays provide a great deal of joy, they are also often fraught with gargantuan to-do-lists and increased stress. Clark Griswold never seemed to have down time, where he wasn’t preoccupied with some activity. You may likewise be determined to create a magical holiday experience for your family. Or, you may find yourself recruited by a well-meaning spouse to help spread holiday cheer. Whatever the case, remember to regularly take time to care for yourself. A relaxing bath, morning jog or football game with your feet up may be just what you need to feel recharged. Of course, you may want to combine these three tips by letting your spouse know ahead of time (share expectations) and/or invite your significant other to join you (build closeness).

The take home here is that the holidays are what you make them. If you are mentally, spiritually and physically well, you are much more likely to take part in the spirit of the holidays and help those around you do the same.

Creating Gratitude: Encouraging Your "Little Turkeys" To Be Thankful

Jill Zuniga, APC

As we approach one of the busiest times of the year, I have noticed how easy it is to get caught up in Christmas shopping or decorating and cleaning house (not to mention countless hours spent in cooking!) to prepare for hosting this year’s “holiday get-together”! Then of course, there’s always wrapping gifts – my LEAST favorite of all of the above. We have so much to accomplish in just a short amount of time that we sometimes forget to be thankful for what we have been given and maybe most importantly, forget to teach our children that very same thing.

Research shows that children learn best when they are able to physically experience the objective of a lesson and/or creatively express themselves regarding what they’ve learned. The following are a few ideas of things that will help teaching your children to be thankful for the blessings in their lives more easily understood and definitely more fun! In fact, I am quite sure that if you make the time to do something like this with your child, you will also be reminded of your own thankfulness for what you have been given in your own life!

1 – Make a Thankful Paper Chain: This is just like the paper chains that kids make at school with colored construction paper strips linked and glued together. Cut out the strips of paper and have your child write or draw pictures of things they are thankful for – their family members or friends, their teacher, their pets, maybe even a special toy they have been given and the person that gave it to them! Make the chain as long as you possibly can. This will help your child become aware of the many things they have in their lives to be thankful for. Don’t forget to go through the chain periodically with your child throughout the season so that they begin to understand that being thankful for the blessings in their life is a continual thing.

2 – Volunteer Work: This can be an entire family event that can be an incredible experience for everyone involved! Contact your local Red Cross, soup kitchens, homeless centers and churches and see what you can do to help them reach out to those in need this holiday season. Try getting together with your neighbors and friends to put together Thanksgiving boxes – complete with all of the necessary ingredients to make a turkey dinner – and deliver them to families who may not have the money to have a big dinner this year.

3 – Make a Thanksgiving Tree: Cut out a large brown tree trunk with tree branches sprouting above. Then have each person in your family trace and cut out their own hands in various fall colors (red, orange, yellow and brown). On each of their hand cut-outs, have them write down various things they are thankful for. After everyone has completed this step, then allow each person to choose the placement of their hand onto the different branches to create a colorful fall tree. Hang this in a prominent area in your home, where it can be easily seen. It will serve as a constant reminder of the many things to be thankful for.

As with so many situations with children they do learn a lot by watching those around them so be sure to try to model the things you hope they pick up. Participate in the activities just as you are expecting them to and talk about the things that you are thankful for. Give them examples to look to and help them understand that these are things that they can appreciate throughout the whole year, not just at Thanksgiving.

Have a wonderful holiday season!

Getting Back In The Groove

By: Clair Mellenthin, LCSW

Most of us parents are finding ourselves in two different camps right now. The first camp is the “Holy cow! How did summer fly by so quickly,” group of parents who are in the rush of planning the last hurrahs of summer before school starts again. The second camp is the “Can school start any sooner please ?!?!” group and have had the paper chain that you used to use to count down for Christmas hung up in your kitchen counting down the days for school to start for the last month.

Regardless of which camp you find yourself in right now, the end of summer is upon us and it is time to start thinking “How can I prepare my kids (and me) to get back in the school mode?” after the long summer break of late nights and late sleeping in schedules that happen during the summer for most of us. Here are some useful tips that parents can use to get this process rolling:

1- Two weeks before school starts, start a school-time bedtime routine. This
means a little earlier bedtime, less TV watching, and starting to review ABC’s for younger school-age children and spelling and individual math levels. This is also a great time to begin reading together at nighttime, as kids of all ages enjoy the quiet togetherness that this brings.

2- Throughout the rest of the summer, keep your kids’ minds and bodies active. Not all kids need or want to be in summer school but it is important that their minds stay stimulated throughout the summer by learning new skills, activities, or enjoying being outside and exploring their environment.

3- Keep school fun. If the emphasis is always on what grades are achieved instead of what your child learns and grows from, they will learn to resent school and you! School needs to be about learning and the joy that can be had in learning new things, not only about the grades that are received.

It is normal as your begin to change things around to prepare for the school year, that there will be some resistance (by everyone) but it is important to start this process sooner rather than later, as it will decrease everyone’s anxiety and stress as the school year begins.

It is important to check-in frequently with your children about how they are feeling about school starting again. Some may be feeling nervous and scared to have a new teacher and a new schedule. Others may be very excited and looking forward to the start. Most will fall somewhere in-between. By keeping an open dialogue with your children about how they are feeling, they can learn to trust you as a parent with their feelings and know that they can come to you for the small things and later, for the much bigger things that our kids will face. If you can have a home where all feelings are acceptable and where the expression of your feelings can be open and appropriate, children will thrive and gain the confidence and trust they need to be successful not only in this school year, but the years to come.

Life Lessons From Shrek's Mid-life Crisis

Shrek can help us all prevent a neutral stall from becoming a tragic fall!
by Melanie Davis, Mental Health Student and WFT Volunteer

Have you ever had a time when you felt a little stuck? Life may have felt mundane, uneventful and somehow the same scenario of events seemed to present itself daily. You may begin to realize that there was one point in time where all the routine and daily tasks made you happy. All of a sudden you wonder who’s life you are really living because it no longer feels exciting enough to be yours.

It appears from the latest release of Shrek that mid-life crisis do not discriminate by gender, or even human form. In the most recent release of Shrek Forever After (2010 Release), I couldn’t help but notice the screaming mid-life crisis that almost cost Shrek his life partner, three little ogre cubs, and his peaceful and happy life.

Are we all susceptible to this type of mid-life crisis? Have you ever felt the uneasiness of wondering if your life is stuck in neutral, or just for a moment found yourself pondering the great unknown? Playing out daydream scenarios that sound something like... how would it be, if? If I could go back to when I was in my 20’s with no body fat, if… If could get my so called “ogre roar back again”! In modern day society, many refer to this life stall, or stuck in neutral phase as a “mid-life crisis”.

Many times this mid-life crisis phase of life is stereotypically awarded to men alone. Despite what you may have heard, hitting a neutral spot can happen to men and women alike. It can also happen at various stages and points in life. Even possibly occurring on more than one occasion in one person’s life. Many times this neutral state in life drives people to take risks and gamble fortunes they can never regain, only to realize that they could have processed the situation differently and taken a different path to dealing with the feelings associated with feeling stuck.

Could it be that we could all possibly learn from Shrek’s adventure into exploring the perceived ‘greener grass’ on the other side of the village? Could we possibly find ways to embrace a possible mid-life crisis as an opportunity to open a new door into something that could improve our lives, without losing those we love and our sanity all in the same leap to a solution? There is!

Tips for getting out of neutral…. Examine
Communicate, Add/Take-Away and Reassess…

Examine. Examine what is really getting to you. You may initially feel like all of life is boring and everything must change in order to recover your satisfaction and enthusiasm for life. When in reality it may just be one aspect of your life that is causing this dissatisfaction. Examine the different areas of your life, work, family, personal endeavors and see which might need your attention.

Communicate. Communicate with the loved ones around you, especially your immediate family. They may sense that you are not “yourself” and feel concerned or to blame. Share what is going on, and that you are working through identifying some new ways to improve yourself and your personal well being. Communicating with children and partners can allow them to understand and not personalize your mid-life crisis.
Add or take away. After you examine what might be the source of this life stall, you may identify some things or activities that could be added or taken away from your life to improve your satisfaction. Are you over booked or accepting responsibilities that overwhelm you? Or is it time to try to learn something new in life, try a new hobby, learn how to play an instrument or learn a new language. Creating an inventory of your life goals and aspirations can support you in determining what might be useful to add or take away.

Reassess. Reassessing your level of satisfaction and progress out of your mid-life crisis is crucial. As you add new things to your life that may contribute to more life satisfaction. Or in the same light remove responsibilities from your life that may be holding you back. Reassess the emotional results of that change. Are you feeling better? Are you still feeling stuck, or are things improving? Equally assess the potentially negative impact of removing or adding this new thing to your life.

Tips for the Supporter!

Finally, tips for the person supporting the individual facing a mid-life crisis. If you have noticed that someone in your life may be stuck, or feeling like their life is in neutral, do your best to be supportive and not to take it personal. Be a cheerleader for your partner in supporting the adoption of the steps above to possibly help in alleviating some of the monotony in their life. A supportive and understanding partner can aid in reducing withdrawal, opening up communication channels and being a part of the change, rather than a bystander. This positive support may lead to improvements in both of your lives and your relationship.

In all situations the severity of the situation can only be assessed by the people involved. If you find that there are more serious or deeper rooted issues, consider seeking mental health support as an individual, couple or family.