Wasatch Family Therapy

Man vs. Holiday

2010-12-16T09:31:00.000-08:00

By Todd W. Dunn, PhD

As Christmas time approaches, I am reminded of a man that has become a symbol of the holidays. Not only does he teach millions the true meaning of Christmas every year, but he has won our hearts through his relentless crusade for the family. No, he’s not perfect, alas none of us are, but this man stands out as a bastion of light in a world that is forgetting the value of an honest day’s work, family dinners and cutting down your own Christmas tree. Of course, I’m talking about Clark Griswold, from the holiday classic National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation.

Perhaps, Clark Griswold is not the man you were thinking of, but, joking aside, I do think he provides an example to men of how we can make the most of the holidays. In fact, if we men take to heart the three tips presented below, I’d wager that the holidays become less of an endurance test, where we take on the persona of Bear Grylls’ to survive scary run ins with in-laws, extended family, road-trips with the kids, Christmas carols, garlands, etc., and more about rejuvenation, reconnection and celebrating what you value most.

1) Build Closeness

As Christmas day approached, Clark Griswold seemed to isolate himself more and more from his family. He disappeared into his work and projects that lasted for hours, like stapling thousands of Christmas lights to his house. As a result, he lost touch with his support group and felt like he had to manage his difficulties alone.

I’m not saying we should stop working or pursuing important projects (I say important because some projects are, let’s be honest, glorified excuses to get out of the house.). I’m saying we should stay focused on what we really need, which is to feel useful, cared for and connected. These needs are best met by building relationships with significant others, not accomplishing impressive feats alone. With Clark Griswold, no one else really cared about the crazy Christmas decorations anyway.

So, make time in your hectic holiday schedule to stay connected. You may invite your significant other or kids to join you on a project, ask your partner if there is something you can help with and do together, or skip one Christmas party to make sure you keep date night. Remember, the focus should be on relationships, not outcomes.

2) Share Expectations

Clark Griswold was bound and determined to have the best Christmas ever. He drug his children out to the wilderness to find a “real” Christmas tree, bought a new swimming pool to surprise his family and used up the city’s electricity when covering his house in lights, all in the hopes of providing his family with a extraordinary holiday experience. The problem was that no one else knew what he wanted, so he was continually let down and disappointed.

Believe it or not, you also have holiday expectations. What are they? Given your current circumstances, what would your ideal Christmas holiday look like? Now, instead of waiting for others to read your mind, share these expectations. It may also be a good idea to ask what other’s expectations are, so you can work together to find common ground. The reciprocal sharing and asking for what you need will build unity and increase the likelihood that you’ll actually get your expectations met. Who knows, maybe you can trade three hours at the mall this Saturday, shopping for relatives you don’t even know, for an activity you actually enjoy.

3) Take a Break

While holidays provide a great deal of joy, they are also often fraught with gargantuan to-do-lists and increased stress. Clark Griswold never seemed to have down time, where he wasn’t preoccupied with some activity. You may likewise be determined to create a magical holiday experience for your family. Or, you may find yourself recruited by a well-meaning spouse to help spread holiday cheer. Whatever the case, remember to regularly take time to care for yourself. A relaxing bath, morning jog or football game with your feet up may be just what you need to feel recharged. Of course, you may want to combine these three tips by letting your spouse know ahead of time (share expectations) and/or invite your significant other to join you (build closeness).

The take home here is that the holidays are what you make them. If you are mentally, spiritually and physically well, you are much more likely to take part in the spirit of the holidays and help those around you do the same.

Creating Gratitude: Encouraging Your "Little Turkeys" To Be Thankful

2010-11-10T13:21:00.000-08:00

Jill Zuniga, APC

As we approach one of the busiest times of the year, I have noticed how easy it is to get caught up in Christmas shopping or decorating and cleaning house (not to mention countless hours spent in cooking!) to prepare for hosting this year’s “holiday get-together”! Then of course, there’s always wrapping gifts – my LEAST favorite of all of the above. We have so much to accomplish in just a short amount of time that we sometimes forget to be thankful for what we have been given and maybe most importantly, forget to teach our children that very same thing.

Research shows that children learn best when they are able to physically experience the objective of a lesson and/or creatively express themselves regarding what they’ve learned. The following are a few ideas of things that will help teaching your children to be thankful for the blessings in their lives more easily understood and definitely more fun! In fact, I am quite sure that if you make the time to do something like this with your child, you will also be reminded of your own thankfulness for what you have been given in your own life!

1 – Make a Thankful Paper Chain: This is just like the paper chains that kids make at school with colored construction paper strips linked and glued together. Cut out the strips of paper and have your child write or draw pictures of things they are thankful for – their family members or friends, their teacher, their pets, maybe even a special toy they have been given and the person that gave it to them! Make the chain as long as you possibly can. This will help your child become aware of the many things they have in their lives to be thankful for. Don’t forget to go through the chain periodically with your child throughout the season so that they begin to understand that being thankful for the blessings in their life is a continual thing.

2 – Volunteer Work: This can be an entire family event that can be an incredible experience for everyone involved! Contact your local Red Cross, soup kitchens, homeless centers and churches and see what you can do to help them reach out to those in need this holiday season. Try getting together with your neighbors and friends to put together Thanksgiving boxes – complete with all of the necessary ingredients to make a turkey dinner – and deliver them to families who may not have the money to have a big dinner this year.

3 – Make a Thanksgiving Tree: Cut out a large brown tree trunk with tree branches sprouting above. Then have each person in your family trace and cut out their own hands in various fall colors (red, orange, yellow and brown). On each of their hand cut-outs, have them write down various things they are thankful for. After everyone has completed this step, then allow each person to choose the placement of their hand onto the different branches to create a colorful fall tree. Hang this in a prominent area in your home, where it can be easily seen. It will serve as a constant reminder of the many things to be thankful for.

As with so many situations with children they do learn a lot by watching those around them so be sure to try to model the things you hope they pick up. Participate in the activities just as you are expecting them to and talk about the things that you are thankful for. Give them examples to look to and help them understand that these are things that they can appreciate throughout the whole year, not just at Thanksgiving.

Have a wonderful holiday season!

2010-08-12T12:50:00.000-07:00

Getting Back In The Groove

By: Clair Mellenthin, LCSW

Most of us parents are finding ourselves in two different camps right now. The first camp is the “Holy cow! How did summer fly by so quickly,” group of parents who are in the rush of planning the last hurrahs of summer before school starts again. The second camp is the “Can school start any sooner please ?!?!” group and have had the paper chain that you used to use to count down for Christmas hung up in your kitchen counting down the days for school to start for the last month.

Regardless of which camp you find yourself in right now, the end of summer is upon us and it is time to start thinking “How can I prepare my kids (and me) to get back in the school mode?” after the long summer break of late nights and late sleeping in schedules that happen during the summer for most of us. Here are some useful tips that parents can use to get this process rolling:

1- Two weeks before school starts, start a school-time bedtime routine. This
means a little earlier bedtime, less TV watching, and starting to review ABC’s for younger school-age children and spelling and individual math levels. This is also a great time to begin reading together at nighttime, as kids of all ages enjoy the quiet togetherness that this brings.

2- Throughout the rest of the summer, keep your kids’ minds and bodies active. Not all kids need or want to be in summer school but it is important that their minds stay stimulated throughout the summer by learning new skills, activities, or enjoying being outside and exploring their environment.

3- Keep school fun. If the emphasis is always on what grades are achieved instead of what your child learns and grows from, they will learn to resent school and you! School needs to be about learning and the joy that can be had in learning new things, not only about the grades that are received.

It is normal as your begin to change things around to prepare for the school year, that there will be some resistance (by everyone) but it is important to start this process sooner rather than later, as it will decrease everyone’s anxiety and stress as the school year begins.

It is important to check-in frequently with your children about how they are feeling about school starting again. Some may be feeling nervous and scared to have a new teacher and a new schedule. Others may be very excited and looking forward to the start. Most will fall somewhere in-between. By keeping an open dialogue with your children about how they are feeling, they can learn to trust you as a parent with their feelings and know that they can come to you for the small things and later, for the much bigger things that our kids will face. If you can have a home where all feelings are acceptable and where the expression of your feelings can be open and appropriate, children will thrive and gain the confidence and trust they need to be successful not only in this school year, but the years to come.

Life Lessons From Shrek's Mid-life Crisis

2010-07-08T12:13:00.000-07:00

Shrek can help us all prevent a neutral stall from becoming a tragic fall!
by Melanie Davis, Mental Health Student and WFT Volunteer

Have you ever had a time when you felt a little stuck? Life may have felt mundane, uneventful and somehow the same scenario of events seemed to present itself daily. You may begin to realize that there was one point in time where all the routine and daily tasks made you happy. All of a sudden you wonder who’s life you are really living because it no longer feels exciting enough to be yours.

It appears from the latest release of Shrek that mid-life crisis do not discriminate by gender, or even human form. In the most recent release of Shrek Forever After (2010 Release), I couldn’t help but notice the screaming mid-life crisis that almost cost Shrek his life partner, three little ogre cubs, and his peaceful and happy life.

Are we all susceptible to this type of mid-life crisis? Have you ever felt the uneasiness of wondering if your life is stuck in neutral, or just for a moment found yourself pondering the great unknown? Playing out daydream scenarios that sound something like... how would it be, if? If I could go back to when I was in my 20’s with no body fat, if… If could get my so called “ogre roar back again”! In modern day society, many refer to this life stall, or stuck in neutral phase as a “mid-life crisis”.

Many times this mid-life crisis phase of life is stereotypically awarded to men alone. Despite what you may have heard, hitting a neutral spot can happen to men and women alike. It can also happen at various stages and points in life. Even possibly occurring on more than one occasion in one person’s life. Many times this neutral state in life drives people to take risks and gamble fortunes they can never regain, only to realize that they could have processed the situation differently and taken a different path to dealing with the feelings associated with feeling stuck.

Could it be that we could all possibly learn from Shrek’s adventure into exploring the perceived ‘greener grass’ on the other side of the village? Could we possibly find ways to embrace a possible mid-life crisis as an opportunity to open a new door into something that could improve our lives, without losing those we love and our sanity all in the same leap to a solution? There is!

Tips for getting out of neutral…. Examine
Communicate, Add/Take-Away and Reassess…

Examine. Examine what is really getting to you. You may initially feel like all of life is boring and everything must change in order to recover your satisfaction and enthusiasm for life. When in reality it may just be one aspect of your life that is causing this dissatisfaction. Examine the different areas of your life, work, family, personal endeavors and see which might need your attention.

Communicate. Communicate with the loved ones around you, especially your immediate family. They may sense that you are not “yourself” and feel concerned or to blame. Share what is going on, and that you are working through identifying some new ways to improve yourself and your personal well being. Communicating with children and partners can allow them to understand and not personalize your mid-life crisis.
Add or take away. After you examine what might be the source of this life stall, you may identify some things or activities that could be added or taken away from your life to improve your satisfaction. Are you over booked or accepting responsibilities that overwhelm you? Or is it time to try to learn something new in life, try a new hobby, learn how to play an instrument or learn a new language. Creating an inventory of your life goals and aspirations can support you in determining what might be useful to add or take away.

Reassess. Reassessing your level of satisfaction and progress out of your mid-life crisis is crucial. As you add new things to your life that may contribute to more life satisfaction. Or in the same light remove responsibilities from your life that may be holding you back. Reassess the emotional results of that change. Are you feeling better? Are you still feeling stuck, or are things improving? Equally assess the potentially negative impact of removing or adding this new thing to your life.

Tips for the Supporter!

Finally, tips for the person supporting the individual facing a mid-life crisis. If you have noticed that someone in your life may be stuck, or feeling like their life is in neutral, do your best to be supportive and not to take it personal. Be a cheerleader for your partner in supporting the adoption of the steps above to possibly help in alleviating some of the monotony in their life. A supportive and understanding partner can aid in reducing withdrawal, opening up communication channels and being a part of the change, rather than a bystander. This positive support may lead to improvements in both of your lives and your relationship.

In all situations the severity of the situation can only be assessed by the people involved. If you find that there are more serious or deeper rooted issues, consider seeking mental health support as an individual, couple or family.

Loving Together vs. Living Together

2010-07-08T10:53:00.000-07:00

Connecting on a Daily Basis
by Rachel Davis, LMFT

Do you ever feel that your spouse is more like a roommate than a close, loving, and intimate partner? If you answered yes you are among a very high percentage of married couples. I have numerous couples each week ask me what the secret is to maintaining a loving marital relationship. My answer to that is in fact a question. Are you connecting on a daily basis? I do not mean connecting with your children, work, or the Internet. Are you taking the time to emotionally connect with your spouse on a daily basis?

Marriage researchers have found couples that participate in connection rituals have higher marital satisfaction. In fact daily rituals have been linked to lower levels of depression and anxiety. Participating in connection rituals allows you and your spouse to communicate and act in a more open and honest manner. It teaches your spouse what is and is not appreciated in the marriage. Most of all it allows you to connect outside of work, children, and other distractions and focus on each other. Here are some seemingly simple tasks that can take your relationship from living together to having a mutually loving and respectful marital relationship.

1) Daily Talk Time: Schedule five to ten minutes everyday that you and your spouse can talk one on one without distraction. Whether it is early in the morning or after the children have gone to bed, find a regular time to sit down with your spouse and talk. This time is not meant to vent about work or coordinate schedules. This time is devoted to each other. Talk about future vacations, what you want for your birthday, what you appreciate about each other, what you would like to work on in your relationship, and other topics that allow you to "connect" emotionally. If you and your spouse have a difficult time communicating without talking about the children, work etc. buy a book that give you topics to talk about, a daily thought, or asks questions the two of you can answer. The hope is for you and your spouse to devote time to each other, and only each other, everyday.

2) Eat Together: Eating meals regularly can be a positive experience not only for the whole family, but for the couple as well. Find time once a day to sit down at the table and eat together. If you don't have children this can count for your daily talk time. With children, this time can become a ritual to teach and build family communication.

3) Daily Goodbyes and Greetings: How do you and your spouse say goodbye? How do you greet each other when someone gets home? Many couples yell a quick goodbye or are satisfied with a small kiss on the cheek. Take the time to make goodbyes and greetings more meaningful. Look each other in the eyes, hug and/or kiss the other person and ask a connecting question. For example: When will you be home? How was your day? What would you like to do together this afternoon/evening? These are common questions, but are easily ignored when the spouse inquiring isn't engaged in the answer. Take the time to ask, answer, and listen so your spouse knows you care. Talk to your spouse about how you would like to change your greetings and goodbyes and make an effort to make it more meaningful.

4) Weekly to bi-monthly dates: While this seems a simple task many couples have difficulty going on dates. Whether it is the cost of the date, or problems finding babysitters I often hear couples give excuses for why dates are simply out of the question. Some couples do not see the need for these regular dates. When a couple has children often their identity changes from a "couple" to "mom and dad." Several empty nesters I work with complain they do not know how to be a couple because their children are gone. Every marital relationship needs to have an identity as a couple, even if you have children!!! Regular date nights allow you to explore and find ways to create and maintain this couple identity. It does not need to be elaborate, but find a time at least bi-monthly for a date night.

Talk to your spouse about these techniques, make some goals, and get to work! Hopefully as you and your spouse start connecting emotionally on a daily basis you will see your relationship strengthen and your appreciation for each other grow.

Raising an Emotionally Healthy Child

2010-07-06T21:14:00.000-07:00

Self and Relationship Expert Julie Hanks, LCSW, Owner and Director of Wasatch Family Therapy, shares how you can become your child’s “emotion coach” and help her develop emotional health on KSL TV's Studio 5.

Watch the TV segment online HERE

As a parent, I find it’s often easier to focus on my children’s physical and external needs (food, shelter, clothing, grooming, education, relationships) than on their emotional needs. As a therapist I understand the crucial role that emotions play in our lives, but when I was a new mom and my own children expressed intense emotions, it was challenging to help them work through it. I tried hard not to shame or to dismiss their emotions, but I also didn’t want their intense emotion to rule my life…or theirs. When I came across the work of Dr. John Gottman and his book Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child several years ago I remember thinking, “This fits with what I intuitively knew about parenting and it describes the parent I want to be!” It provided a framework to help me more effectively help my children understand and express emotions in healthy and productive ways.

Why Emotional Intelligence Matters

According to Dr. John Gottman’s research emotionally healthy, emotionally intelligent children are better able to regulate their emotions, calm their heart rate faster after being emotionally upset, had fewer infections, are better at focusing attention, have healthier peer relationships, and perform better academically. The best way to help you children achieve emotional health is to adopt an “emotion coaching” parenting style.

Dr. Gottman’s 5 Steps to Emotion Coaching:

1. Be aware of your child’s emotions

2. View emotional expression as opportunity for teaching and intimacy

3. Listen, empathize, and validate your child’s feelings

4. Label emotions in words your child understands

5. Help your child come up with solution or way to manage emotions

Recommended Parenting Books:

Raising An Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, PhD & Joan Declaire

Parenting From The Inside Out by Daniel Siegel and Mary Hartzell
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Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women’s mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, & classes. Visit HERE for more relationship advice.

Join the discussion by posting comments below (your email will be kept private). I’d love to know your favorite parenting books. What do you do to raise emotionally healthy kids?

What John Wayne Left Out: Helping Men Get What They Want In Marriage

2010-06-01T21:44:00.000-07:00

By Todd Dunn, PhD

Generations of American men have learned from “The Duke” that in order to beat the bad guy and rescue the damsel in distress, you have to be tough, brave and work hard. That’s all fine and dandy. Most men don’t have a problem with those things. We can work hard, act tough and sweep a woman off her feet. What most of us struggle with, however, is what to do next. Unfortunately, this is where John Wayne’s movies end. John Wayne doesn’t show us how to be happily married or provide a stable livelihood. We never saw John Wayne struggle with marital difficulties, much less manage a 30-year fixed mortgage, career changes, fatherhood, church service, etc. I guess those plot lines don’t make for good westerns.

With June being National Men’s Health Month, I want to focus on improving men’s emotional health by filling in one of the gaps left by John Wayne. Specifically, I’d like to address what men want in their marriage and give three suggestions on how we can attain it.

What men want in relationships is to love and be loved. Research shows men are happiest and healthiest when in a loving relationship. In fact, men in loving relationships live longer and are less likely to experience heart disease, stroke, depression, anxiety or chronic pain than men not in loving relationships.

I doubt if there are any surprises here. After all, John Wayne risked arm and leg to win the affection of the woman he loved. What men struggle with is how to maintain a loving relationship once it’s started. This is where manly toughness ceases to help and instead hinders. Listed below are a few suggestions to help men get what they want out of their marriages.

1. It’s Not All about Sex

Our culture teaches men to express emotional needs physically. Boys are often teased when they attempt to say how they feel, especially when they convey a sense of vulnerability (e.g., fear, sadness or distress). On the other hand, boys are praised for acting out their aggression on a football field or holding in their emotions through statements such as, “Way to suck it up!” or “You are tough!”

When married, men are naturally inclined to use sex as a means to feel close and express love. I often hear men say to their spouse, “If you really cared about me, you would want to meet my needs.” My suggestion to men is based on the belief that love and closeness are built upon open and honest expression of emotion, especially those emotions that leave you feeling vulnerable. I know! What if you are not feeling anything? If that’s the case, then say that. Talk about how you want to feel closer to your spouse and the trouble you have expressing your emotions. Try it. On your next free evening, sit down together and open up without an expectation for sex. It may surprise you how good it feels.

2) No More Mind Games

Don’t expect your spouse to read your mind. Did you know your face can produce over 20,000 expressions? These thousands of facial expressions can then coincide or contradict the many subtle messages you send through your body language. How in the world, then, can your spouse know what you are thinking by just looking at you?

To avoid all the confusion, I recommend you share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. As you do, remember to avoid saying “you”, as it can sound like you are blaming your spouse for how you feel. Instead, say something like, “I feel _____ when _____ because _____.” Saying “I” helps you take responsibility for what you think and feel. Again, you will be surprised by how good it feels to share your internal experiences and not have to wait for others to guess it.

3) Praise Your Spouse

Research finds that most men only have one close friend, their spouse. As a result, most of our emotional needs are placed upon our marriage. Also, men are exposed to countless messages from the media telling them their spouses are supposed to be passionate, sexual and emotionally fulfilling. Taken together, men are sometimes too quick to blame their spouse for any unhappiness.

I recommend making a conscious effort to praise your spouse. Tell her how lovely she is; compliment her hair or outfit; mention how much you appreciate everything she does for you. I suspect that once you start looking for things to compliment, you’ll be surprised by how many things you like about your spouse.

The take home message here is that your spouse isn’t perfect. Trust me, she knows that already. But, neither are you. You both are trying the best you can with what you have. It’s just that you will be a much happier husband if you focus on what you have, rather than what you don’t have. After all, happiness often isn’t found through focusing on your self. It most often comes from the sustained emotional investment in other people.

Focus on becoming a better person and partner and ask your spouse for help with this…

Wasatch is offering FREE Men's Mental Health Screenings the week of June 14-18 by appointment. Call (801) 944-4555 to schedule your screening, or to get help for the man you love!

Dr. Todd Dunn is a Licensed Psychologist at Wasatch Family Therapy specializing in men's mental health and relationships. To schedule a session with Dr. Dunn call 801.944.4555 or visit wasatchfamilytherapy.com.

Finding Strength Through Difficult Times: Divorce

2010-06-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

By Julie Hanks, LCSW

Watch Studio 5 TV Segment HERE

Divorce is a time of crisis: "a dangerous opportunity". It is an opportunity to find out that you're stronger than you think you are. Though individual circumstances vary greatly from one divorce situation to another, you have a choice in how you respond to divorce. As with all difficult and painful life transitions, this familiar adage applies to divorce "You can become bitter or you can become better."
Finding Strength Through A Divorce:

1-RedefineGoing through a divorce requires redefinition of yourself, your family, your relationships, your life. It's a time for honest self-reflection: a time to look inside of yourself and shift your views to accommodate the many life changes you're going through.

Ask yourself:
Who am I without the marriage and the role of "wife"?
What were my contributions to the demise of the marriage?
What can I learn from this experience that will make me a stronger person?

2-Refocus

Divorce is a time to take inventory of what matters most to you. If you're children have become less of a priority during the stress of the divorce process, recommit to investing more in your relationship with them. If you've given up a hobby or interest during your marriage, pick it up again. If spirituality is important to you, recommit to investing in your connection with God.

Ask yourself:
What aspects of life are most important to me?
What areas of life do I want to focus on now?
Am I investing my time and energy into who and what I value most?

3-Redesign

The end of a relationship that one or both of you didn't want will free up energy to invest in other parts of your life. Though it's scary to explore the uncharted territory of life as a single person, try actively taking risks to get out or your comfort zone. A former therapy client decided to go back to school and get her MBA after she divorced, a dream that she'd put on hold when she married.

Ask yourself:
Who do I want to become?
What am I most passionate about?
What are some activities that will get me out of my comfort zone and expose me to new people and experiences?

Self & Relationship Expert Julie de Azevedo Hanks, LCSW, founder and director of Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC specializes in women's mental health therapy, marriage counseling and family therapy. Visit www.wasatchfamilytherapy.com to learn more about counseling services, workshops, classes. Visit www.juliehanks.com for more inspiration on how to let your best self shine!

If you need help healing from divorce contact the professionals at Wasatch Family Therapy (801) 944-4555 for information on children, teen & adult counseling services.

Managing Sibling Rivalry

2010-05-19T14:26:00.000-07:00

By Clair Mellenthin, LCSW

It is human nature to feel competitive and envious toward others. A moderate spirit of competition is a positive and productive attribute in school and in business. Sibling rivalry is a normal part of growing up in families. The competition between siblings starts when the second child is born. Unfortunately, many parents ignore it and some even make the situation worse.

When occasional fighting becomes a constant series of arguments and fights, it must be dealt with to avoid years of discord and even potential danger. Here are some tips that will help you lessen your frustration over argumentative brothers and sisters and help them learn to get along better:

Do your best to offer each of your children equal amounts of praise and attention. This is true if they are competing for your attention or if they are participating in a school or sports activity.

Encourage your children to participate in activities that they truly enjoy. Don’t expect them to always join activities that they must do together or where they will be competing against each other.

Children sometimes perceive that their parents favor one child over the others. While some parents do prefer one child to the others, it is usually not a conscious choice. If your child tells you that you favor his or her sibling, pay attention to your behavior; maybe there is some truth to it. However, if you know you are being fair or if there is a valid reason for treating one child differently, stand firm. Sometimes children use the “favorite child” complaint as a way to make you feel guilty and give them what they want.

Sometimes one child is more cooperative or better behaved than another. It’s normal to compare siblings, but it’s generally better not to talk about it. Comparing two kids doesn’t help improve their behavior; instead, it intensifies the sense of envy and jealousy. A more constructive strategy is to limit your comments to the problem behavior. Always avoid telling one child that his or her sibling does something better.

Make it a rule that family members may become involved in incidents between siblings only if they actually saw what happened. This keeps people from being manipulated.

Realize that younger children can be the aggressors. Don’t automatically rush to their defense.

If two kids are fighting over a toy, take it away. This discourages them from arguing over who can play with what.

When two kids are fighting, make them share a chair and look at each other in a mirror. With all the goofy faces they make in the mirror the disagreement is soon forgotten and they are laughing like best friends.

If the kids continue the fight after a few minutes in the chair, assign them a chore to do. The excess energy they are directing toward each other is soon put to better use setting the table or picking up the toys.

Use the Active Listening technique to allow siblings to express their feelings. When kids fight, parents often try to talk children out of their feelings by saying things like “Stop arguing with Tony, Sarah. You know you love your brother.” Instead, you could acknowledge the child’s feelings by saying, “Sounds like you’re pretty upset with Tony.” You might be surprised to see that this defuses the emotion and enables Tony to move on to something else.

When you give things to children, base your choices on their individual needs and interests. If you try to avoid arguments by giving equal gifts to each child, they will inevitably find something about them that is unfair.

When your children are in an argument, avoid taking sides. If you can, encourage them to work out their differences. It is almost impossible to try to determine who started a fight. Even if you know who started the argument, taking sides only makes things worse. If your children learn that you will not enter their minor disagreements, they will have to learn to settle things between themselves.

Take a parent education instructor course. As you educate yourself about parenting, you will change some of your attitudes toward your children and learn new ways to interact with them. You can have the kind of family you want if you are willing to work at it, make some changes in your own behavior, and be patient for things to improve.

You may think that rivalry will stop magically if only you learn to do the right thing. However, learning new behaviors takes a lot of time and persistence.

It is important to address the issues of sibling rivalry when children are young, because it can intensify and persist as children become adults. It is important not to give up when you feel frustrated. Things may even seem like they are worse before they start to improve. Because of your efforts and persistence, your children will learn how to get along better. That will prepare them to have productive relationships in the future. As with all hopes and dreams of parents, helping to create healthy, happy, children and future adults is the number one priority. Teaching children these skills now will go a long way in this journey.

The Sibling Shuffle: Solutions for Parenting More Than One Child

2010-05-04T21:07:00.000-07:00

by Julie A. Hanks, LCSW, Director of Wasatch Family Therapy

WATCH TV SEGMENT HERE

As one of nine children in my family of origin, and as the mother of four in my current family, I know all about the pain and the joys of sibling relationships and of the parenting challenges that come along with raising children. Here are some common complaints and dilemmas, and tips for parenting more than one child.

Common Complaints From Children To Parents
• That’s not fair!
• You like him/her better!
• How come you let him/her do _____________?
• Why do you baby him/her?
• How come you’re harder on me than the other kids?

Common Parenting Dilemmas
Here are some common family situations that may leave parents wondering how to manage their children’s varying needs:
• One child is dedicated to and involved in a sport, artistic, or academic area that is very time consuming and expensive.
• A child has an illness or disability and requires extra parental attention.
• Many years separate the ages of siblings so they are in different developmental stages.
• Your personality just “clicks” with one child over the others.

Solutions for Parenting More Than One Child:
1 -Focus on meeting needs instead of on fairness
No matter how hard you try to be “fair” among siblings there is really no way to achieve equality. There will be times when parent’s attention will shift slightly toward one child or another depending on each child’s needs. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but an opportunity for the other children to learn life lessons, like empathy and patience. Rather than trying to be fair, focus on meeting each child’s needs at each stage of development.

A wise friend and mother of four, Cori Connors, shared this helpful idea when it comes to parenting many children, “I always told my children they were soup…some need an onion, some need more bullion, some need more salt or a little pepper. If I didn’t taste and adjust according to what was needed it would be yucky soup. You can’t just presume that fine cuisine follows one recipe.”

2-Celebrate each child’s unique qualities
Each child has different talents and strengths that can and should be celebrated. For example, if your family is big on sports and one child is more gifted in art than athletics, be sure to attend his or her art shows and encourage siblings to show their support. If you have a child that is more challenging for you to understand or celebrate, it’s even more important to actively find strengths to celebrate. Be careful not to compare children to their siblings.

3-Avoid labeling your children
While it’s natural for parents to categorize (i.e. the baby, the quiet one, the smart one, the dumb one, the helpful one, the pretty one, the loud one) but keep in mind that labels, even when positive, can hinder your child’s self-expression and development especially when they are rigid and enduring. It may be more helpful to acknowledge each child’s efforts instead of using a general label. For example, instead of saying, “You’re so smart” try, “You work hard and really seem to care about doing well in school.”

4-Listen to each child’s underlying emotions & desires
Underscoring children’s complaints to parents about unfair treatment are often requests for their needs to be met and for their underlying emotions to be heard. As the parent, you have the honor of helping your child learn to identify their deeper emotions and to help them say what they want and need from you. For example, if a child says, “You love him more than me!” he may be trying to say “Mom, I’m sad that I’m not spending more time with you.” Put your own defensiveness on hold and try to hear the meaning behind the complaint.

5-Encourage cooperation instead of competition
Since most siblings seem to be competitive by nature, it’s easy as a parent to use this competition to motivate our children to do what we want them to do. Instead, Use phrases that encourage win-win situations and helping each other. Instead of saying, “Let’s see who can get their teeth brushed first” try “Let’s all get teeth brushed and read a book together.”

To schedule a therapy session with Julie email us here.

The Parenting Pyramid Part 1 - Corretion

2010-04-29T21:09:00.000-07:00

by Jonathan Harrop, Marriage & Family Therapy Student Intern

Many people think I'm crazy because I love working with teenagers. What is it about teenagers that's so fun? Perhaps it's the challenge. Perhaps it's because I still feel like one...or perhaps it's because I just really enjoy their uniqueness and what they have to bring to the table. Either way, some of the most helpful and fundamental information I have received that has helped me enjoy working with teenagers comes from the Arbinger Institute. "The Parenting Pyramid," is the model of parenting used by the Arbinger Institute, and focuses on what is most fundamental, or foundational, in parenting. We want our children to grow up and be good contributing individuals in society, now how do we get them to do that! This is what the Parenting Pyramid attempts to teach - how do we, as parents, help things to go right? How do we help our children make good choices? How do I help my child excel in school? How do I keep my child from acting out aggressively? There are a multitude of questions like these that we all have and want to know the answers to. The parenting pyramid gives a model that can best help us help our children in these ways.

"The Parenting Pyramid"
Correction
Teaching
Parent/Child Relationship
Parent's Relationship
Personal Way of Being

One of the most widely known and used methods of parenting is that which is easiest to use- Correction. Correction is usually seeking to change something that has gone wrong. When I was 5 years old, I stole some candy from the grocery store with a couple other friends who had enticed me to go with them. I thought this was a great idea until I got caught. As I stood there in tears, the store manager threatened to call the police, but he did something even worse: he called my mother. My mom picked me up from the store, apologizing profusely to the store manager, and then took me home. When we got home, my mother made sure to correct me, and after many tears from this correction, I understood that stealing was very bad. For me, this correction did the job. Correction, however, is not the only form of discipline.

While correction is a very important part of disciplining children, there is another aspect of discipline that is just as important, if not more - Praise. More important than correcting our children when they do something wrong, is catching them when they do something right and praising them for it. Think about yourself. Do you feel better about yourself when you are constantly being corrected for the things you do wrong, or for when you are praised for doing something right? Usually when we are constantly corrected, we are not encouraged to do better; rather, we begin to feel discouraged, and it becomes harder to correct what needs to be corrected. Kids feel this same way!

Correction should be the least used form of discipline. While it is indeed needed, we need praise much more. When you correct your child on something, like cleaning their room, then begin looking for the times that they clean their room - and praise them like crazy for it. This will usually make them want to clean their room even more, which is the key. However, if all you did was correct them for all the times they didn't clean their room, then they will not want to clean their room, and they likely won't, and it will be a constant battle between you and them. Correct a little, and praise a lot!Here are a couple general rules for good correction:

1-Do not punish while you feel like reacting in anger. Children tend to learn more from our examples than from what we say. If we react in negative anger towards our children when they do something wrong, then guess what they are learning: that you are supposed to act out in negative anger when someone does something you don't like.

2-Have logical consequences that are connected to what they did wrong. Let's say my 16-year-old teenager goes 600 minutes over on his cell phone, and increases our bill by $300 for that month. There may be the temptation to want to ground him from his friends for the next year, to take away his license unless he is running errands for me, to ground him from dating for 6 months, and whatever else our imagination can conjure up. While he may need to be punished for breaking such a rule, this kind of consequence will probably do no more than make him hate me. Why would this be the case? Because the consequence that I impose on him is nothing more than me taking out my anger on him in harsh and extreme ways. In order for this punishment to get into their head in a way that they will learn their lesson and not hate us is to follow the example of nature, and create logical consequences. A natural consequence for not staying within the calling limits is that he will have to find a way to pay for the extra charges and he will not get his phone back until it is paid. If I can be calm and collected in giving this punishment, then he will not hate me, for it will not be about my anger over what he did, but will stay focused on his actions and the consequences that follow. Another word of advice with this... if you will involve your children in deciding the consequences, then they will more likely own the consequence.

3-Make sure that you can follow through with the consequence. Going along with the 16-year-old teenager example, if I were to use the first, extreme method of punishing, then I would probably have just as hard of a time with it as my teenager would - for now I will have a teenager full of attitude at home that I am stuck with because I said that he could not go anywhere with anyone for the next 6 months. We need to remember that when we give a consequence, there is often a burden we take ourselves that we must follow through with it. If we don't follow through with it, then our children will learn that they will be punished for a small moment and then everything will be fine, no matter how extreme it is. That is not a good lesson to teach our children.

If you're wondering "What should I praise in my child?", praise the good things that they do. While praising their beauty can be a good thing, it is more focused on praising the genetics they received that made them look so pretty. They didn't have a lot of control over that. More meaningful praise is the praise of a choice - a decision we made. When I make a right decision, and someone catches me and praises me for it, it makes me want to do it again and again. It is our actions and choices that need the positive reinforcement.

First Session Is Free! Schedule an appointment with Jonathan Harrop, Marriage and Family Therapy Intern today! Email to set up an initial appointment or call (801) 944-4555.
(c) 2010 Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC

The Parenting Pyramid Part 2 - Teaching

2010-04-29T21:06:00.000-07:00

By Jonathan Harrop, Marriage and Family Therapy Student Intern

Teaching:"If you want a child to be disciplined - correct them. If you want them to learn self-discipline - teach them."

THE PARENTING PYRAMID?
The Great Pyramids of Egypt are magnificent and old. If anyone ever decided to try to preserve these pyramids, it probably would not be wise to work on preserving the top portion of the pyramid while the lower portions continue deteriorating away. This would only assure the destruction of the pyramid. The same is assumed with "The Parenting Pyramid", a model created by the Arbinger Institute. Every layer is important to create this beautiful structure, however, there is an order of importance. It would be wise to work on preserving the bottom portions as we work our way up the pyramid. The parenting pyramid is rightfully called so because of the nature of how a pyramid works. The last article discussed the very top layer of the Parenting Pyramid: Correction. While correction is most certainly needed in parenting, there is another principle that is more fundamental so that the correction will be effective and beautiful: that is - Teaching.

"The Parenting Pyramid"
Correction
Teaching
Parent/Child Relationship
Parent's Relationship

Personal Way of Being In my first article on the Parenting Pyramid I related a story of when I was five-years-old. I had stolen some candy, my mother was notified, and she made sure to correct me. While it was very appropriate to correct this bad behavior, we, as parents, cannot always wait until our children do something bad in order to correct them. The job of a parent is difficult. We must be actively looking for opportunities to teach our children, to prevent the bad stuff from happening, and to help bring out the good in them.

TEACHING IS MORE THAN CORRECTION
If teaching is so good, why do we tend to fall short in this area?! There may be a number of reasons, but all-in-all it takes greater effort. Think about it... when we focus the majority of our parenting on correcting, all we have to do is wait until something bad happens, and then we can correct them. With teaching, however, we have to be active - we have to be proactive - always looking for opportunities to teach our children, to prevent the bad things from happening as much as possible. However, there may be some things that we miss in our teaching. My mother taught me a lot, but she probably didn't think that she had to teach me that stealing was wrong... I was only 5-years-old! What made my mother's correction effective, was that she also taught me that stealing is bad and why it is bad. Think about it. How can a 5-year-old child know that stealing is wrong if he/she has never been taught that? A classic example of this principle is that of a 3-year-old child about to run into the street when the parent runs and grabs them and then reprimands them for running into the street... only to have the child respond, asking "what's a street?" So often where we fall short is not in our efforts to correct, but in building that correction on a foundation of teaching. If we are not teaching our children, then our correction will be empty and ineffective.

BEYOND "BECAUSE I SAID SO"
So when you teach, what will you be teaching? Most often you will be teaching principles, values, morals, and sometimes simply facts. Probably the thing children hate most are the infamous phrases: "Because I said so!" or "Just because!" These phrases are often attempts to discipline, but are not founded upon teaching. On the other hand, when we take the active effort to teach our children, and to found our correction upon teaching the principles behind the correction, then we are helping to instill the values in our children that will encourage self-discipline in them and will help them to continue to make good choices on their own. On the other hand, when our correction lacks the foundation of teaching, then it becomes empty. As a result, our children's obedience can then become empty and based only upon the reason that "Mom or Dad said so." As the quote at the beginning of this article states... if our goal is to help our children obey us, then consistent quality correction can do that. However, if we desire our children to learn self-discipline, then we must teach them and help them instill the values and principles we desire for them to use in their lives.

BACK TO THE PYRAMID
Taking the pyramid analogy again, a pyramid isn't complete without its top portion... but the top portion of a pyramid relies completely upon the portion below it to keep it steady and firm. Correction is needed in parenting, however, correction relies completely upon teaching in order for it to be effective and for it to do what we hope it will do. Take a moment to see if your correction is founded upon teaching. Do you ever throw out the "Because I said so!" or "Just because!" comments... or something similar to that nature? It's easy for us to throw those comments out there, especially if we are tired and irritated. Focus this next little while on teaching your children and be prepared to go a level deeper with me next article.

To schedule your $50 therapy session with Jonathan email or call 801-944-4555
(c) 2010 Wasatch Family Therapy, LLC